Recovered Pastor's Wife

Roses in the Briar Patch

2012-01-19T15:10:00.001-08:00

The experience of life, so far, has left its marks deep inside of me, and it becomes more beautiful with each passing day. Mixtures of miraculous, joy-filled, blissful blessings, alongside of horrendous jolts of trauma that awakened and taunted my heart, hovering over my joy with threatening death...the twisting, turning, ever-changing journey whose finish line, upon looking back, reveals a straight line. He was with me. And He still is. And perhaps I am becoming more perfected in love, yet my soul knows well that it has not arrived on the shores of complete safety.

Let me clarify that there are many wonderful moments that will always be carried and cherished in my heart...countless people who kindly, in the midst of their own painful trials, went out of their way to leave a beautiful impression on me and my family. Every word of kindness and every action inspired by love will forever remind me of the goodness of God, especially when doubt tries to push its claws into my skin. Upon remembering life's pains and life's triumphs, I can only say that God IS faithful and His goodness shines even when we forget mankind's.

My reason for writing now is born out of adversity, not my own this time, but of others who have faithfully laid their hearts and lives bare, passionately serving and trusting those within the local church, only to find their families, friendships, and leaderships falling apart. Do not fear, however, for it is merely a passing moment of testing; a violent war that will be overcome with peace, joy, and renewed love, if only those bloodied soldiers will maintain a heart of gratitude...even gratitude for the suffering.

I write to those who walk with people and ARE people who carry great influence and anointing. I used to think that being on the front lines was dangerous. Then I believed it was the safest place to be. But life has taught me it is both. The 'front lines' are dangerous AND safe, depending on who you are surrounded by, and I mean within your own army.

Perhaps the naivete of men and, especially women, in church is to trust others to an unfair depth. Let me explain. This can be said for humanity as a whole, yet I will speak on behalf of women. When loving one another and befriending one another, we must always remain aware of one's ability to cause pain, and we must give the grace to let them do so, yet with the wisdom of serpents and harmlessness of doves. We must realize that every human carries a broken place or a void, that maybe they are not aware of, and that, eventually, that place in them may arise as it is rooted out by a loving, graceful God.

The rooting-out process sometimes hurts, seemingly beyond the ability to bear, depending on one's stubborness or desire to be teachable. Whichever the perpetrator chooses, the grace of Christ is strong enough to keep you as you either walk away or stand by...

Whatever your story, the end result of life's events can amount to immense joy and satisfaction; the ability to smile when revisiting good times, as well as bad. Believe it or not, there's beauty to be found in the dung hill. There's redemption to be witnessed by your eyes in the darkest, most putrid place. Ugliness can call itself a briar rose, even though it is merely the thistles that serve to draw our blood, wrench our gut, and shake our soul at a level that no one can comprehend...only to arrive in the light, where Love lives.

Life leaves impressions. You get to choose which kind. "The roses are found in the briar patch."

Redemption Trumps Perfection

2011-12-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

Driving down the highway, pondering how different this Christmas season is...my first Christmas season without attending a church service...working on Christmas Eve and half of Christmas Day. My husband and I run a business in tourist territory, so we don't get to attend church. Working 7 days a week, 14 hours a day, is a great way to bring oneself to the threshold of exhaustion. However, the supernatural power of Love Himself never fails to awaken us with tender mercies, kisses from Heaven, and a constant nudging to draw close to Him.

All of these thoughts lead me to hearing His voice, saying, "Focus on the power of redemption instead of the ideal of perfection. For Redemption Himself stepped into imperfection in an imperfect way. He made the imperfect perfect. Focus on this redemption. It is to be celebrated this season." Selah

For Better or For Worse (written by my son)

2011-11-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

My 17-year-old son amazes me with his words and wisdom. For such a young man, he has already learned so much that most of us adults could only wish we had learned long ago. My kids have lived a very unordinary life, with exposure to trials and challenges of humanity on a different level. I suppose that's what happens when you've been a preacher's kid; you not only deal with your personal hurdles, but everyone else's troubles are thrown onto your path and you're expected to overcome those as well... and when the preacher's family goes through its own trials, that's where one's faith and foundations are truly tested. If we stay focused on the right thing, that is when we grow stronger. Our life's experiences and encounters with others have taught Britain some valuable lessons. Now, carefully read Britain's article, 'For Better or For Worse.'

Stop...

Stop right where you are and discover with me for a moment something that has recently come to my attention.
But before you read any further, I want to warn you... What you are about to read, you will be making a commitment to. How does that work, you ask? Well, lets think about it... The very moment that a thought or and action enters your mind, you have made a small commitment to it in the way that you will keep that thought/action locked inside a part your mind for the rest of your life. The mind is a very powerful thing, and no matter how hard you try to forget what you have learned or seen, you will not be able to erase it without the use of science and medical technology. (Extreme pressure to the head and unspeakable trauma also cause certain kinds of Amnesia, but neither of those methods are recommended.) As a matter of fact, the more you try not to think about what you are reading and experiencing, the more you find yourself lost in thought about it. This is why horror movies are just so affective. It's just the way that things work.

So imagine with me, if you will, that every single thought you make from now on is a commitment. Your eyes have now been opened and you can think in a way that you have never been able to think before. Every time you hear a word or think a thought, that thought will be married to your mind, stuck inside of a memory card that is no healthy way erasable and cannot be easily manufactured. It is a device unlike any other in the universe and cannot be treated as if it does not matter. This is the thing that drives you, the thing that keeps you alive. The thing that is causing you to feel the cold or the warmth of the air around you, the thing that allows you to control your body, to keep charge of every fabric and fiber that makes up your being, it is the very thing that is allowing you to read these words right now, and when you are done reading do not be surprised if you feel a slight buzzing on either side of your skull, your brain is simply processing all of the information. It has soaked things in for years and paid much attention to the world around you, but it has not become super familiar with the fact that everything that it has studied, it has also married. There are now some things inside that your mind is wishing it would not have married. Some things that your body caused it to marry, a marriage that your soul wishes desperately to revoke. But the slight tug of war between your soul, your mind, and your body, is unlike any other that has ever been. They all work together, only with slight discretions, and sometimes work to destroy each other even without your knowing.

This is not all to say that you are simply at war with yourself, though I did lean toward that just slightly at the end of the last paragraph. It is more to let you in on the gravity of this situation rather than the nonexistent levity that you may have looked at this with in the beginning.

Most of the time when you run into something in life, you have a choice, a choice either to accept it or deny it. A choice to trash it or recycle it for your very own use... Building onto the typical garden analogy, any seed you plant, whether you nurture it or simply throw it into the dirt behind you, will most likely one day grow to become something great or small. Even if you do try to neglect it.
Thoughts are the exact same way. When you have the opportunity to accept or deny a thought, think carefully about what you do with it. Many people accept the thought, knowing that even if they neglect it, it will come back to bite them, so they might as well think it anyway. Others just put away the thought and try their best to replace it with something that is completely different, but many end up falling susceptible to that thought even though they made the choice not to think it.I myself, have many friends who struggle with their own thoughts and end up at war with them, stuck in a place where the mind has become their enemy rather than the thing that pushes them forward to live life and to be all that they were meant to be. And it is mostly because of all these marriages that they have made. There are very few divorces that take place between the mind and a thought, and inconveniently, all the divorces that do take place happen to be with the things that we are SUPPOSED to remember! This is one strange thing I have not yet figured out; the mysteries of the mind will always intrigue me...

I could go on with growing and endless thoughts for hours, but for the sake of the reader, I will cut to the chase... There is a saying that you will find in almost any wedding vows, and it goes something like this... "For better or worse..." Imagine when you marry a thought, that you have said to that thought, those very words. "For better or for worse..." Then ask yourself if that thought will do you good... or bad. Will you turn that thought away, or will you accept it and feed it from day to day? Then when you have found yourself betrothed to a thought that seems to be working only for worse, ask yourself how you can make it a thought for the better things.
Truly, the only long-lasting way of making a bad thought work for the better, is to meet that thought with the Holy Spirit, and to look at it in His light... In His light only.

If you want to take this all a step further, imagine the marriages that you create every time you think of God and His goodness. Imagine how many thoughts of you He has made such beautiful commitments to. He said that His thoughts of you outnumber the sand. According to His words, no one, in mind, body, soul, or spirit, can make a bigger commitment to you than He already has. He has married you already...

You...

Are his Bride.

-Britain V.
11-12-11
5:11pm

1:30AM

2011-10-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight, as I entered the welcoming caress of our bed after staying up too late, unable to put down Jason Vallotton's "Supernatural Power of Forgiveness," the warmth of your body next to mine and the sound of the air conditioning vent overhead brought back a rush of memories. Suddenly, I was taken back in time...a time when life was simply, simple. As I closed my eyes, I could hear the click of the heater and I could smell the strangely comforting fragrance of dust being burned off the coils...you know, like the first time you run your heater after a long summer. It is the aroma that I associate with the welcoming of winter. The reassurance of a cozy, warm refuge and the knowledge that Christmas is right around the corner with its tinsel, lights, and beauty; it all speaks, 'life is good and your family is blessed. There IS joy in the midst of a crazy world.' I remember those nights, after tucking our two little children into bed (and I loved the way you sang to them every night), you and I would retreat to our own private refuge, which by morning, would be invaded by a dog, a cat and two children whose sweet faces would welcome us when we awakened.

Tonight, I lie here, wanting to wake you up and share these joyful memories with you, but I know how exhausted you were just an hour ago, so I choose to simply relish in the moment. I thought, "I'll write him an email about it before I forget," but I did not want to disturb your sleep with my movement. So I write this upon waking up, and I decide to post it on my blog as a permanent record of God's reminder to me of a life that was simple...a reminder that treasures of the past can be found again. As we embark on this adventure of starting a business that may consume our time and attention for months to come, I realize that God is saying, "All is well. There is safety and I am your refuge. And Christmas is right around the corner. Enjoy life." So, whatever lies ahead, we can rest in simplicity in the middle of complexity, and we can live in serendipity regardless of moments that did not go as planned...because God is still God...and I know He still loves us. :)

Jesus Wept...and Snorted

2011-09-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, I was attending a church service when one of the worship songs sparked a memory that flooded me with sorrow. I went to the restroom and made it into the stall before a huge sob escaped from my lungs. I was thankful that there was a speaker above my head, flooding the restroom with worship music, giving me a safe place to cry, hopefully where I'd be unheard by some compassionate woman who might knock on the door with an 'are you okay in there?' I wanted to be left alone.

The cry that came from me was so deep, groaning, and heavy that it actually gave me chest pains. I was not only flooded with sorrow over a situation, but also with what I'd like to call 'righteous anger' over that situation. I kept saying, "God, forgive me for being angry. How long? How long? How long will it take to stop feeling anger over the way some of YOUR people treat others? God, what is it about YOUR children that makes them so retarded? How can YOU let them be so stupid? Why don't YOU intervene the way I think You should? But God...please forgive me for my wrong attitudes. Why can't I seem to stop crying right now? Jesus...please talk to me."

I heard, almost audibly, "Jesus wept." I thought, "Well, of course, I know that story. He wept over Lazarus...and for the sorrow of Lazarus' family and friends." Again, I heard, "Jesus wept." A third time, "Jesus wept."

After I composed myself and dried my eyes, I went back into the church service. Worship ended and the pastor began to speak about such a deep sorrow and righteous anger that brought him to the word 'Ebrimaomai.' The pastor said, "Let's turn to the scriptures about Lazarus and explore the verse, 'Jesus wept.'" Wow! He had my attention. Ebrimaomai is the Greek word that was used in that section of scripture and it means, 'to snort, express indignant displeasure (with the notion of coercion springing out of displeasure, anger, indignation, antagonism) to snort like a horse...to be moved with anger, to admonish sternly. From 'en' and brimoamai--to snort with anger, to blame, to sigh with chagrin, sternly enjoin, straitly charge, and to groan.

I took comfort in those words I heard in the restroom, 'Jesus wept.' I realized that God was right there with me, fully understanding the righteous indignation and sorrow that I felt. Jesus sobbed his heart out, too. He snorted. I realized that Jesus was not only moved with compassion in Lazarus' situation, but by an indignation against the injustice of what should not be. So, that is why I cried. And we should all feel that level of indignation against the injustice of what should not be. That is why we were given the authority to go and release prisoners and captives as Jesus did, releasing the reality of His sacrifice, so that He gets what He paid for. He came to bring life, restoration and wholeness, and to counter the death, loss, and destruction that befell His creation...and He continues to release love even while people give themselves to that which opposes Him. That is courageous grace. It's no wonder He wept the way He did. I will remember and be moved by that cry every time I encounter that which should not be.

Familiarity Breeds Love

2011-09-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, as I struggled with a friend's less-than-desirable behavior, I prayed and lamented. This conversation began in my head with God:

"Traci, you must be grace to this person."

"I cannot. It's too much. You do it Yourself, God. You're pretty good at that anyway. Besides, haven't You heard that familiarity breeds contempt? Why get close to people?"

"That is not true. In an atmosphere of grace, familiarity breeds love."

That struck me to the core as I was then faced with the decision to come into agreement with Jesus' sacrifice for that person. Would I be a grace-giver? Today, I remind myself of that moment because I need to remember that He once called me 'Courageous Grace.' I want to live up to that name.

The Inevitable

2011-09-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

The sun entwines itself with the gentle winds, carrying a sweet reminder that the love and grace of God breaks the power of what man calls 'the inevitable,' making it null and void, allowing room for the Creator's 'inevitable' to manifest. I smile. And I cannot thank Him enough.

Arrows in our Hands

2011-08-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

"Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossip, Mary was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sarah was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old and Lazarus was dead. Now, what's keeping you from serving God?"---Steve Backlund. The best part is that God did not see them according to their failures or shortcomings, but He saw them as righteous, faithful, powerful, and glorious.

And despite our failures, God blesses those who continue to draw close to His heart and obey His words. Despite our imperfections, He places arrows in our hands to reach further into the future than we could ever hope to go. Every morning, a heaping load of mercy awaits us on our doorsteps. Within that mercy lies powerful arrows, entrusted to us, placed in our hands. Now, if we daily open the door and dive into the gift of grace, and do our best to aim high and straight...we will see His glory explode like laughter over the earth, penetrating every brokenness we have ever known. These arrows make for an exhilarating breakthrough and give us the strength to carry on.

A Kiss Between the Ears

2011-08-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

"...then we'll take a long walk through the corn field, and I'll kiss you between the ears..."--Owl City

Lyrics fulfilled. Another experience to remember.

Do you have silly little dreams? Do you find yourself entertaining romantic, artsy notions that the busyness of life never seems to allow into reality? Just do it, already.

Empowering Your Enemy?

2011-07-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

For those who have been following my writings, you will notice that the themes of grace, love and forgiveness have been intricately, and sometimes blatantly woven into each blog. What can I say? This is my life message...it is my mission. Typically, one finds passion and a mission in the very facet of living where their heart, mind and soul was once nearly assassinated by an intensely angry enemy. And sometimes that enemy lunges at our throats through people and things that we consider to be safe. Ahh, the art of deception. He is a crafty one. My observations and experiences have led me to a conclusion. The following paragraph should sum it up.

If you carry bitterness and resentment towards someone who has caused you harm, you are unknowingly feeding and empowering that very spirit that sought your destruction, to take form in such a way that you will not recognize it when it returns to deceive you and it will cause you to walk yourself to the threshold of destruction. When we carry unforgiveness, it is ultimately because of fear, selfishness, and unbelief...and that will eventually lead you into the very prison that the assaulting spirit originally attempted to throw you into. Rather than pick up our sniper rifles, we should all surrender ourselves to the fact that Jesus' blood is strong enough to take care of every offense and that He is perfect love that transcends the worst of evils. As fun as it is to aim and fire, simply pray hard, daily, "Create in me a clean heart. Renew a right spirit within me...that I might not be led to destruction." Ponder this for awhile. May we all live in such a way that Jesus gets everything He gave His life for.

As I write this, I nearly tremble with the knowledge that I may someday be challenged by my own advice. Whether that happens or not, I know that my advice is right. :)

The Reckless, Raging Fury

2011-07-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'll begin this blog with the brilliant, stunning words of Rich Mullins, who verbally paints a picture of God's grace:

"There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God"

As I encounter people each day and hear their stories, I notice two things. There are the once defiled who know they've been made clean and whole and there are the clean and whole who do not realize that they are no longer defiled. The experience of grace produces the first...and the experience of judgment creates the latter. It is easy to recognize those who have known the reckless, raging fury known as the love of God.

I marvel at this phrase found in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11: "And that is what some of you WERE." (NIV) "And such WERE some of you." (KJV) Read the following verses:

"Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 AND THAT IS WHAT SOME OF YOU WERE. BUT you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

I have met far too many people who still do not know just how clean they are, so they strive to live by the letter of the law rather than by the heart of God. Christians have often focused on the "will not inherit the Kingdom of God" part and they miss the "but" that God so gladly gave His Son for (and He gave Himself for a lot of butts...LOL). If Jesus came to set captives and prisoners free, then who are we to keep ourselves and each other locked in chains? If Jesus could look down from the cross upon the men who beat Him, spit on Him and ripped apart His flesh, and declare these words over them with a heart of compassion: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." ...then who are we to withhold forgiveness? Who are we to call anyone 'unclean' when they have just as much right to the blood that was shed once for all? If someone is unclean, it is up to us to make sure they have an opportunity to know the love and grace that Rich Mullin's describes as a reckless, raging fury.

Grace, furious? You would understand that phrase if you have ever been redeemed from the hand of the enemy.

So, as for myself, I have gone from being both a prisoner and a captive. A prisoner is one who is held in prison because of something that they did wrong. A captive is held in prison because of something someone else did. Think about that for awhile. I'll admit that I still have a vigilante side of me that wants the kind of justice that satisfies the bit of my heart that I must purposely and daily give to God...that is why I studied Krav Maga. There is a certain satisfaction that I once found in hand to hand combat, but I learned that unforgiveness and bitterness immobilizes who I really am...who I am supposed to be. So, yes, there are times when I want to "pull out the guns" and then I think for a moment. Would I rather become internally scarred and dead to God's heart, or would I rather lay down in the fields of gold that I have known as 'grace?' I choose the latter.

Dragonfly

2011-07-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

Has God ever used something unusual to speak to you during a dark season of your life? For me, it was the dragonfly. Ever since that time, I seem to have encounters with dragonflies at the most interesting moments and it always boosts my faith and hope. Today, during a fair in South Dakota, Bill and I were conversing about beautiful things when this little dragonfly decided to land on his shirt. AND I just happened to be wearing my new dragonfly earrings for the first time. Thank You, Lord, for happy reminders of Your presence and love that always surrounds us. May everyone who reads this begin to have encounters of this sort that bring them closer to Jesus.

2011-07-01T18:04:00.001-07:00

This Year's Birthday Gift--From Holland

2011-06-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

This year, my favorite birthday present was my husband (and the ring he brought me that replicates my Hope Diamond vision that God gave me in 2009), who returned from a time of ministering in Holland with an amazing group of friends. A couple of nights ago, we took a drive to the Contemporary Resort at Disneyworld, hoping we would be allowed to enter. Upon entering, we ended up on the rooftop, overlooking the fireworks over the Magic Kingdom, and we witnessed the most magical light show ever. Not only did Walt Disney's long-ago dream produce "oohs" and "ahhs" of wonder, but God seemed to enjoy the fun with His own light show. This is what I call "co-laboring" as I am imagining that God and Walt decided to have a little party. ; ) We caught this amazing photo of lightning during the show. So beautiful. Thank You, Lord, for a wonderful birthday week.

Affliction to Joy

2011-06-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

One of my new favorite quotes: “When I am in the cellar of affliction, I look for the Lord's choicest wines.”--Samuel Rutherford

I do not have much time to write at the moment, but I will simply say that as uncomfortable and horrible as trials can be, I have found an appreciation for the beauty, joy, and redemption that God takes pleasure in infusing our lives with at the most unlikely times. I smiled when I found the quote by Samuel Rutherford who was a Scottish Presbyterian theologian and author, and one of the Scottish Commissioners to the Westminster Assembly. He lived in the 1600's, so he certainly knew affliction, I am sure.

I posted the above photo with this quote because it reminds me of a glorious moment that was birthed in the midst of a difficult season. If you are currently feeling hopeless, I assure you that there is something beautiful ahead for you, if you are willing to receive the treasure. Peace. Blessing. Love. Joy be upon you today.

Mamaw Made it Home

2011-05-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

(Mamaw on the right)

The day before she passed away, tears escaped my eyes as I peered into my 89-year-old grandmother's beautiful, bright, blue eyes. Unable to speak much after her brain surgery, her eyes still expressed immense love, and in response to my tears, her eyes began to water. Mamaw managed to whisper an "I love you" that I will never forget.

This is the woman whose stories of old have caused me to appreciate and cherish my ancestors, awakening a passion to dive into history and seek the treasure of the past that opens the doorway to future. I will always protect the memories I hold of my back-porch tea times with Mamaw. I can hear the 'clack clack' of her swing set as the sound of her voice breathed tales from her childhood and I could feel the joyful, morning air that she described of the Sunday mornings that she climbed upon her circuit-preaching grandpa's wagon and headed for town so that he could deliver the Gospel. She spoke of the nights when she stayed at Grandpa Robbins' and Nana's home, and the knocks that frequented their front door, from young couples-in-love who had traveled for hours just to search for the preacher who could marry them. Mamaw would stand as a witness of the matrimony in the middle of the night. The next morning, she would watch Nana iron Grandpa's shirts on the wood stove, pressing them neatly so the preacher would be well-dressed for church services.

Mamaw remembered hot, dry, Texas summer days, in which she raced the clock and thermometer in an attempt to pull a melting block of ice home in her wagon so they would have a cold ice box. She told me of dust storms that would blow in, and despite closing windows as quickly as possible, they would have to dust everything in the house after it passed. Her daddy worked hard as the town butcher...old Joe Bridges, the Bartlett meat man. Locals would give little Teddie (yes, that's my Mamaw's name) a nickel to encourage her to climb the poles that held up the awning outside the butcher shop.

Just over a week ago, she told me about the time she, her mother, and sister were hitchhiking and a Texas Ranger picked them up. He drove them nearly 100 miles to their destination as he let them know that Bonnie and Clyde had recently been killed by another Ranger. He told them where Bonnie and Clyde's car was and she later went to see it...blood splatters and all, just as it was left after they were shot and killed.

One of my favorite stories is about when she lived in Austin and she would have to periodically hunt down her little sister, Billie Jo, after the school informed her that Jo failed to show up for class...and Mamaw always knew where to find her. The Paramount Theater on Congress Avenue, right down the street from the capitol. That's where little Jo spent some school days, in the left balcony, watching the "picture show."

Mamaw once waited tables in her mother's Oak Hill cafe, where President Lyndon B. Johnson often came for lunch. She recalled how Lady Bird Johnson would enter the cafe in search of her husband and she would ask, "Have you seen that old horse fly in here?" Mamaw also had the privilege of serving Tennessee Ernie Ford. Many memorable folks would pass through and some even paid her mother, Pearl, to sing for them.

So many stories. So much wisdom. A life filled with love, adventure, mistakes and trials...even a bar fight I recall hearing about...and as rough as she could be, there was a grace she exhibited that many could never begin to understand, or hope to have the capacity to carry themselves. That grace will forever astound me and I will also never forget something she said last year of my grandfather: "I should have never divorced that man." What she learned of covenant has inspired me. Most of all, her yearning to go home to be with Jesus...her joyful dance-step at the talk of Heaven...her smile and sparkly blue eyes said it all. While I'll miss hearing her voice, I thank God that Mamaw finally made it home.

Taking Dad Home

2011-05-17T12:39:00.001-07:00

Just last week, my husband, Bill, drove his dad from Texas to South Dakota to place his dad in a nursing home. It's the day you hope will never come, but when it does, it always comes too quickly. Bill has spent the last several days in the nursing home and tromping around his childhood town, rediscovering roots and contemplating life. He just wrote a beautiful entry in his online journal that he agreed to let me repost. As he sat in a roomful of elderly people, here is what he saw:

"I stand in the corner of a dining room. It's filled with tables built for four, large enough to seat 80, and each seat is occupied. There's a strange quiet in this crowd, as if they have nothing to say or no one to say it to. The building looks as new as it must have looked in 1957. The retro architecture favors the occupants like Sinatra in Vegas. Nurses from the university are milling through the crowd bending to hear and be heard as voices mutter, barely audible. The majority of this room is women well past 80. I guess the women do outlive us much of the time. I make a mental note to eat healthier. I study their faces against the faces of the nurses barely in their twenties tending to them. Is it possible that these elderly women were once young, elegant, even beautiful? That these men were once strong, powerful, maybe handsome? That these people were once leaders, once brilliant, once applauded for achievements now forgotten? I thought about people I've met in nursing homes as a pastor over the years. I met a Poet Laurette who had a commendation from a President. I met a member of Glen Miller's orchestra who told me of the death of the big band era. He blamed Elvis in the cynical tone that revealed an old grudge with a hint of respect. I notice that most of the people in this room have a look on their face as if they don't think they belong there, surrounded by these old people. I wonder if they think of themselves differently than they are now.

I catch the eye of a woman in the room. A nurse tells me she is in her 90s. She doesn't speak, just looks. It's more than a stare. She watches. Her gaze is fixed and behind her eyes is a world all it's own. I walk toward her and sit, no words, just watching. Her white hair is like wide ribbons of satin. Her face is beautifully wrinkled, carved deeply around her eyes and cheeks by a century of smiling. The joy that did all of this damage is still in her eyes, embraced as an old friend, now woven into her skin. She is scarred by happiness and it's wonderful. These people are vaults filled with the treasure of stories and life that is locked away behind a door whose combination has long been forgotten.

As people have come and gone throughout the days I've been with dad, I have listened to stories. Tales of fishing and laughter, moments of unpredictability dealt with and now looked back upon with a certain appreciation for lessons learned. Old photos are often the springboard. And I'm taking something away from these moments. Make the people in your life tell you their stories. And then make yourself listen. When you're young, you think because you always have been (young), then you certainly always will be. For that's all you know to be, and its very unnatural to try to imagine oneself in a state other than the present. The elderly always are because that's all you remember them to be and it's hard to imagine that they once weren't. I think middle age is that realization that hits you when you've lived long enough to watch someone become old. If you're uncomfortable with reflections on life after spending time in a rest home I don't blame you. For me writing like this is as uncomfortable as wearing your underwear backwards. But this is a journal and a journal is both a trophy case for history shaping inspiration (or personal delusion) and a trash can for thoughts that have become lodged in the crevasses of the heart and can no longer be ignored. When we get to the end of the confining rails of temporal progression (life) and we have spent, and bled, and laughed, and wept, and fought, and loved our way through living, we will want someone to care enough to listen to our story. Someone who will see that the feebleness of the body is no indication of a feeble life or feeble wisdom. But to know that when it's all been said and done, that what we said and did mattered, to someone. Honor is demonstrated to another when who they are, who they have been, and who they will become matters to you, Thanks for coming along on this journey."

Beautifully said.

I Can Hear the Sound

2011-05-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE RIVER COMING DOWN

My husband and I took a long walk down a dry riverbed recently. As we made our way over boulders and occasionally visited the dirt trails nearby, we spoke of the tower of Babel and the Nimrod who instigated the feat of proving that his power might be as great as God's. Why did he long to achieve something so ambitious...reaching heaven? We spoke of Josephus, the great historian of Christ's time, and how he described Nimrod as being Noah's great-grandson. I suppose it makes sense that Nimrod took great offense at this God who had wiped out his ancestors and brought destruction on the earth. In losing a grateful heart and appreciation for the way that God spared his great-grandfather and his children, Nimrod gave himself over to bitterness at what God had failed to do. Perhaps he wanted to go up to Heaven and punch God in the face, avenging his great-great grandfather and the rest of humanity who perished in the flood. The great hunter, whose name means "we will rebel," came into agreement with Lucifer's philosophy:
Isaiah 14
13"But you said in your heart,
'I will ascend to heaven;
I will raise my throne above the stars of God,
And I will sit on the mount of assembly
In the recesses of the north.
14'I will ascend above the heights of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High.'"
As history records, God confused their languages, causing the people to be unable to understand each other, therefore, unable to accomplish the attempt to outdo God.

I began to ponder the sound that arose as people became frightened and horrified by their inability to understand one another. I can imagine them looking at the person next to them, eyes wide with fear and desperation as they tried to communicate. Perhaps people went crazy, thinking they might be the one who had gone mad. What was happening? Can you imagine the panic that must have set in? As the horror took over, the sound of desperation must have risen, loudly into the air. It was the sound of selfish, rebellious humanity going up...now desperate for the sound of Heaven to come and rescue them. Certainly, those who had despised this "unfair" God must have, instantly, found a hunger in themselves to hear the words of the One they had rejected.

There is a sound that all of creation is longing for. I have known far too many people who, in a season of disillusionment with God, decided to take things into their own hands and make their own way to happiness and success...only to find themselves in a dark place, feeling alone, frightened, and desperate to hear the voice of God. I, myself, have experienced falling into a place of doubt, fear and questioning...even challenging God, shaking my fist at Him and shouting at Him, "where were You??!!" Thankfully, I am not in that place now. I shudder when I think of those moments. But the amazing thing in all of it is that God faithfully stood by and kept His promises even when I could not see it. He kept His hand of love, compassion, mercy, and grace on me as my heart rebelled and my mind fought battles that could have destroyed me.

I do not understand God, but I do know His ways. I may not always like His ways, but when I get to the end-result of His ways, I am pretty sure I will like them. So mysterious. So faithful. So not nice sometimes, yet so incredibly loving. If you don't believe that He is not always nice, read the Gospels and you will see that Jesus did not always appear to be very compassionate, for example, He told a blind man to come to Him. How rude is that? Shouldn't Jesus have gone to the man Himself? He was rude to the Syrophonician woman who refused to be offended, and pressed in until she got her miracle.

In the midst of the confusion of this present day, in the midst of moments of doubt and anxiety, press in...press your ear to His heart and listen for the river that is coming down. He promised that rivers of living waters would flow from us. It is His power and love that He desires to pour into you and out of you. Are you thirsty? Are you weary? Listen. I can hear the sound of the rivers coming down.

Law Vs. Grace (My Visit to a Todd Bentley Service)

2011-04-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

Why are we caught by surprise when we ask for the heart of God and we get slammed with trials and circumstances that threaten to pull us away from His heart? Grace is what Jesus is all about, so is it possible to carry the heart of God without being stretched in areas of our lives where grace is necessary? We will either be shaken by situations in our own lives or situations in the lives of others who we deem as upright, immovable and excellent; challenging us to either grab onto law or cling to grace. It is out of fear of losing control, that we grab tightly onto law. It is out of a pure heart, wholly trusting God, that we dare to cling to grace. The latter is what love looks like.

Recently, I attended a Todd Bentley service. I see myself as a person of grace, yet I will admit that my attendance there was reluctant at first. Why the reluctance? I suppose it would have been easier for me to accept his re-launching into ministry had he returned to his wife and cut off the relationship that brought a halt to the revival meetings that were taking place in 2008. It just doesn't calculate with me that the power of God in His life was not enough to bring healing and reconciliation where it was needed...where covenant would remain unbroken. However...

Here is what happened as I sat in the service: worship time was wonderful and the presence of God, very sweet. "Traci, don't be a spectator here. You are not to judge. All you need to do is be with God and honor Him," I told myself. I held out my hands in front of me, palms up, ready to receive something from the Lord. After a couple of minutes, I literally felt a rod being placed in my hands. It looked like a silver rod and it rested across both of my hands. On the left, it said LAW in bold letters and on the right it said GRACE. I asked God, "What is this?" Immediately, I got a pain in my right wrist and felt Him say, "Remember the crucifixion." I thought, "Okay, I remember Your sacrifice, Jesus." After I said that, I watched the word 'LAW' fade away until it no longer remained. GRACE remained and overtook the entire rod. "It is My kindness that leads to repentance." Hmm. His rod is a rod of grace. His correction comes with grace. I see.

Whether Todd is in a right place or not, it is my responsibility and pleasure to partner with God in releasing the grace that He gave to all of mankind. If we reject someone that He died for, then we are telling Jesus that His blood was not good enough and His grace is not sufficient. If we reject any human, calling them unfit for God, we are telling Jesus that He made a mistake in choosing to die for mankind...we are exalting ourselves as more worthy than another. Who are we to make such judgments? We have all fallen short of the glory of God and that is why Jesus took us to the cross...so that we become carriers of His glory.

The Lakeland revival was a real revival where true repentance, salvations, baptisms, deliverances and miracles took place. Was God blind when He chose to release these things through Todd? Did the Lord have an "oops" moment when He allowed Todd to be on a platform, preaching on His behalf? I think not. So, I challenge myself with this question: "If God chooses to pour Himself out through a broken vessel with issues, will I reject drinking from it? Is the darkness of the vessel more powerful than the power of God that comes pouring through it? Can the rivers of living water be tainted by a vessel who is making wrong choices? The answer is NO. Can the enemy bring destruction because of it? Unfortunately, YES, however, as believers it is our responsibility to steward grace by coming into agreement with Jesus when He was dying on the cross and He spoke, "It is finished." When the church learns to be graceful as Jesus is graceful, then the destruction will be reversed. The world will not scoff, but will admire the love of the church in lifting up our broken, fallen brothers and sisters. Admit it. we ALL have broken places and everyone...I mean EVERY ONE is capable of falling. But we have a hope and a Love...and we are dead to sin. We just have not comprehended that fully.

Ephesians 2:13-16 says:
13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.

For the hardcore KJV-ers:
13But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ.
14For he is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us;
15Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace;
16And that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby:

Verse 15 speaks of the law being abolished or set aside. What, then, is the new law? If God is Love and Jesus was His grace expressed upon the earth, and He shed His blood for us, then the new law is Grace. How ironic that Law ultimately killed Grace when Grace came to fulfill the Law. And the resurrection of Grace made Grace supreme, wiping out the "rights" of the Law. When Grace was raised up having ALL authority, Jesus breathed on the disciples and imparted to them the power to release Grace to the world (John 20:19-23).
14And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of GRACE and TRUTH...(John 1:14).

Consider this: James 2
12So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty.
13For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.

The law of liberty frees us from judgment and death if we also impart mercy and liberty to others. Liberty DOES NOT MEAN taking advantage of grace, so don't misjudge or misquote me!!! As Scripture says, it would be foolish to think that way.

Just how free are we? Take in Romans 6:14: "For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace."
Once we get a revelation of that, I believe our hang-ups will fall off like a thousand-pound boulder! Sin has no right to master us. Sin, legally, no longer has any right to have its hooks in us.

If we are legalistic, then we essentially act as if Christ's death was void of power. Galatians 2:21: "I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly." Righteousness cannot come through the Law. If it were possible for righteousness to come through law, then Jesus would have avoided the most excruciating experience ever.

Law alienates us from Christ: "You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace." Galatians 5:4
A popularly misquoted scripture is Luke 6:38, where Jesus says, "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return." I say that it's misquoted because I only ever heard that Scripture being preached on in regards to giving money! Take note of what Jesus said right before He spoke verse 38. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned." Now read verse 38. Jesus was talking about releasing grace, releasing pardon and giving up our "right" to judge or condemn!

When verse 37 mentions "running over," I think about Psalm 23..."my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and MERCY shall follow me all the days of my life." What a beautiful destiny He has given to us!

If Jesus is not acting as an accuser, then who are we to accuse and partner with the accuser of the brethren, Satan?

So, my take on Todd Bentley: I refuse to be an accuser of the brethren. I refuse to play judge. I will, instead, agree with Jesus and accept the good that He pours out, knowing that Todd's destiny is to be righteous. If Todd is now in the right, praise God! If he is still in the wrong and walking in a dishonoring fashion, that is for God to "fix" and perhaps, if another fall were to happen, it would most likely be due to the fact that our Father is still trying to give us His heart and shake us out of our judgmental state, making His Bride like Him, with a heart full of love, grace, and compassion, for that is when the world will truly be transformed...and that is when revival will be everlasting.

Amazing Marriage Quote...

2011-03-28T21:08:00.001-07:00

I happened to come across this quote today and thought it should be shared:
"A marriage based on full confidence, based on complete and unqualified frankness on both sides; they are not keeping anything back; there's no deception underneath it all. If I might so put it, it's an agreement for the mutual forgiveness of sin."---Henrik Ibsen

Springtime in Texas

2011-03-26T16:24:00.001-07:00

Journey to Albania

2011-03-26T15:41:00.001-07:00

Now that I have mostly recovered from jet-lag and the dreamy state that follows after making a journey to a foreign land, I shall sum up the adventures of Albania and what God is doing there. My family and I were gifted with a trip to France, Italy and Albania, in which we had no agenda other than to renew our vows in Paris and meet some dear Facebook friends who we have only known via the internet. God had bigger plans than what we imagined.

We were greeted at the airport in Tirana by Chris Brent, who is a very gifted, famous magician in Albania...and he happens to be the brother of one of my best friends. Immediately, I was hit with culture shock as I gazed upon the terrain on the way to our hotel. Beautiful land surrounded by mountains...mixed with the prints of the fall of communism. At first, I was frightened by the lack of obedience to traffic laws, however, by the end of the trip, I found it to be an adrenaline rush and looked forward to climbing into a taxi just to see how the ride would turn out. I laughed a lot. Prayed a lot.

A few days into the trip, we got to be with Chris as he performed a magic show for a local school. Talk about wild! Chris also performed for some prisoners and had the opportunity to share his story of his faith. Beautiful.
Our first Sunday, we unexpectedly had the opportunity to minister at a gypsy church. What beautiful people. What beautiful spirits. Then, we shared with another local church and I wept as I listened to people worshipping God in Albanian. I recognized many of the songs by their melody...and the love that graced the air with their words was very familiar. One of the most wonderful feelings I have known was when I watched my children minister in a foreign country. Pastor Gentjan was a wonderful translator and a very good friend, allowing us to be part of their "family."

A few memorable journeys...too much to tell. Visits to several castles, including Berat, where the original Latin codexes of the Gospels of Matthew and Mark were hidden and preserved. A sweet, local man who lives inside the castle walls, made his way outside, offering (in Albanian) to show us around his village. We were privileged to get to enter one of the 46 chapels that existed inside the castle, where ancient paintings colored the walls...fading, losing some of their "pixels" yet holding an anointing and conviction that one can only feel.

Beautiful Kruja sits on the side of a mountain, with views that extend to the sea, including Duress, where the apostle Paul preached (Romans 15:19 refers to this as Illyricum). Remnants of an ancient mosaic still grace the walls that were long-covered by dirt until a few years ago. The mosaic depicts Stephen (who Paul would have testified about), Titus and some angels. It is said that this spot was the first Christian church in that area (58 A.D.) and was known to have 70 families.

I am thankful for all of the pastors and families that we met and for being received with such love. I am thankful for the moments when I could look a "gypsy" child in the eyes, touch their cheek and say, "bukur," which means 'beautiful.' A smile would escape their dejected look. I am thankful for having the opportunity to walk another land with my husband, holding his hand, and sharing new experiences with him...some of which can only be expressed by looking into each other's eyes. How grateful I am that our children were part of the journey! I am thankful for those who have given their lives for Christ and those who are standing, poised and ready to be part of releasing God's glory and love to a nation whose inheritance is the very power of God. Albania, "the land of eagles," is ready to soar.

First Journey to Paris

2011-02-22T16:35:00.001-08:00

I sit in the Cluny-Sorbonne Hotel, gazing out the window at the cross-topped dome of the Parthenon that has greeted me each morning in Paris. Tonight is my last night here. I am finding it hard to leave because I have fallen in love with this city. Before I fall into a deep sleep after walking miles of cobble-stone sidewalks and roads, I am pushing myself to force heavy-eyes open so that I can blog about a few of the highlights of our first journey to Paris.

For over 20 years, I dreamed of seeing Paris, but I could not comprehend that there was a world quite like this one...miles and miles...and miles of buildings that stood before Columbus ever discovered America...churches where people worshipped and honored God, pouring their hearts out to Jesus for hundreds of years before anyone ever thought of seeking 'The New World.'

Our first visit was to the Parthenon where I stood in awe of the amazing architecture. How did people build so exquisitely and so precisely without the massive machinery and technology that we take for granted today? It saddens me that our modern world has forgotten, or perhaps does not see value in taking the time and energy to put precious, creative energy into our structures.

Next we walked into Notre Dame where a choir sang angelically. I honestly felt the presence of God before I even crossed the threshold. I sat and listened...and wept a bit.

Another highlight was climbing The Arc de Triomphe, where our friends, Joel and Cheryl, stood with us and we prayed over Paris. What a pivotal moment and a vital place to pray from...in the center of old Paris, where we could look out over miles of beautiful pieces of art and speak God's heart for the people. I believe that Paris was birthed in honor of God, initially. Nearly every structure bears the marks of Christianity...a cross, a word, or something of that nature. The word 'honor' can be seen often. Imprints of a love for Jesus remain, yet She has forgotten her First Love...but that is changing.

As we stepped into Napoleon's burial place (I am too tired to remember the name, currently), I began to cry as I stood in the courtyard. I can't explain it, exactly, but my heart was moved with compassion for this nation and I could feel God's desire in me. As I looked at my feet on the cobble stone, I wondered who had walked there, what they felt and what they might have prayed. There are many stories of miracles that occurred in France, so I know that God moved here long ago. I later found out that the place where I stood is called, 'The Courtyard of Honor.' Interesting.

We walked to the Eiffel Tower at night. My husband pulled me aside to find a quiet place where he handed me a set of headphones that played Diana Krall's "The Look of Love" and we danced. Just as we began our dance, the Eiffel Tower lit up with flashing lights, much like a Disneyworld magical moment. Oh, and a vendor twisted his arm to buy me a rose. Good move.

Later, we visited Sacre Coeur, Catholic Church, which sits on top of a hill overlooking Paris. We walked past armed guards and stepped inside to find mass in progress. We sat and listened to the French priest as he led the people through their prayers. The ceiling was a huge mosaic bearing the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, along with several saints...and the Pope who was holding the globe in his hands, lifting it up to Jesus. The significant thing about this church is that they have held 24/7 prayer there without a break for over 120 years! I believe God is answering many of those prayers and Paris is in for a flood of God's glory. I am not Catholic, but I believe that God honors the prayers of all of His children...even some who are not, but that's a whole other story.

The most wonderful moment for me was today, February 23, 2011, at Notre Dame, where Joel and Cheryl and our children gathered around us to pray blessings over our marriage. The church bells began to ring. My husband and I stood face-to-face, hand-in-hand and read each other a love letter, written from the depths of our hearts. We renewed our vows and then he carried me over the threshold of Notre Dame, where we entered the cathedral and heard a choir singing as people bowed their heads in worship.

As we walked across Paris this afternoon, we came across a carousel. I have always had a silly childhood dream of having a giant carousel in my own backyard. It was very rainy and cold, so no one was even in the park, yet two men stood there waiting to sell tickets. Guess what the name of the carousel was??? The Circus of Love!! Our family and friends all got on we played Benjamin Dunn's 'Circus of Love' on the Ipod. It was a wonderful, beautiful day with many memories we will never forget.

Lastly, tonight I stood at our 6th floor window and opened it wide to look out over the city once more. I picked up my French Bible and read Isaiah 60 and then Luke 4:16-19. I have always heard Luke 4:19 in English which usually says 'the favorable year of the Lord,' but I love the way the French Bible puts it: 'une annee de grace du Seigneur.' THE YEAR OF GRACE!!!! As I read it, those words really hit me. Surely God is in love with Paris...and so am I.

Five More Days...

2011-02-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

Five more days until vow renewal!! We're getting married again!!
Thank you for being my best friend in the world. We have much to look forward to.

Don't Miss the Miracle

2011-02-08T09:51:00.001-08:00

Long story short---This picture was taken of me and my husband, after receiving prayer. Neither one of us had ever felt the presence of God in this manner. The best way that I can describe it: His Spirit penetrating every crack, nook, and cranny of our beings, heart, soul, body, mind, and spirit--a heart surgery in which the Lord transplanted His own heart into ours and the beating of our hearts became one with His...in unison. This is a day I will never forget, and it happened almost one year ago. I did not see the miracle in it until recently. Open your ears, eyes and your heart so that you do not miss out on what God is saying and doing. I almost missed this one.

God Moves Despite Doubt

2011-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

(Art by Bill Vanderbush)

For the last few months, I have spent many quiet moments running, walking, dancing and visiting with God at a certain grove of trees near our property. I would often stop in that place, removing my headphones which carried the sounds of worship by Misty Edwards and Kristene Mueller, and I would lean into the atmosphere hoping to capture an audible sound coming from the mouth of God or possibly experiencing a physical brush with an angel's wing. I knew they were there. I could feel them.

Why would I come to this spot? I had been battling something that I never experienced before with God. I felt a tinge of doubt and began to question His ways and His motives. Okay...I will admit that there were moments when it was more than just a 'tinge' of doubt, but the good news is that my spirit would not let me stay in the talons of unbelief for long. It is quite frightening what happens inside of a person when unbelief finds a moment of agreement within. Death comes. The death of hope. "Christ in me...the hope of glory," I would often repeat to myself. "God, I need you to show up. I have seen Your works before and You have taken me to amazing places, but I need You to come to me right now."

I would sit, staring into the grove of trees that was surrounded by thorny bushes, poison ivy, and rocky ground that most likely hid the entrance of a snake's den. I saw beauty in these trees and there was one in particular that I longed to climb. I envisioned a wooden swing hanging from its massive arm that stretched over what looked like a magical place that existed only in my childhood imaginations. I noticed a clearing between two trees and I imagined a cabin there...a refuge for me and my husband...a cozy place where we could dream and write. A place to just...Be. I was urged to walk into the clearing but did not for fear of stepping on a snake or poison ivy. I shrunk back from the hopeful notion of finding something special there and walked back home while revisiting my doubts. "If only I could clear that section of land and enjoy being there."

For more than three months, day after day, the same scenario. Until... Finally one day, as I was dancing and swirling around in circles past this same grove of trees, I noticed that the land had been cleared!! The grove was clear and the large oak with the imaginary swing held its massive branch out, as if inviting me to explore. I slowly stepped towards the tree...inching closer, relaxing as the joy of discovery came over me. "New ground!! New territory! What I hoped to see is now uncovered."

I sensed God's presence strongly and deep inside of me I heard this: "Even in the midst of your struggle with doubt and unbelief, I was working on your behalf. The path has been cleared. You are free to step into the wide, open spaces where the enemy cannot go and you will see your dreams become a reality. All of this, I have done for you even though you did not see it. This is My grace." A smile came across my face. Joy bubbled up inside of me. I ran home, eager to share with my husband.

This is the grace of God...that He gives what we do not deserve and He takes away the punishment that we do deserve. I never believed He would do it, but even in the midst of doubt, He moves.

In The Midst of Conversation

2011-01-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

In the midst of early-morning conversation as my husband and I lay hand-in-hand, he decided to capture a picture that will always warm my heart and make me smile...reminding me of God's amazing love.

Hopeful Words from a Friend

2011-01-23T17:49:00.001-08:00

"He does not quench, extinguish or put out the life that has become dim, colorless. He does not snuff out the flickering flame and point the finger at the faltering and fainting life of that soul...but like a smoldering fire, fans it gently back to a robust flame gradually increasing what is needed into the fire until it roars back to its blazing potential."--my friend, Earl Thurner

Vow Renewal in Paris--February 23, 2011

2011-01-09T20:30:00.000-08:00

Over 20 years ago, I studied French for three years and I would often dream of going to Paris. I would imagine the sights, sounds, and smells: amazing, old, beautifully-designed buildings, conversations in French, and pastries whose fresh aromas would draw me into another world. Sounds dramatic, I suppose.

My desire and passion for God led me into daydreams of teaching the people of France about His great love for them. My mom and dad bought me a French Bible and I would spend many moments reading the Scriptures, trying to memorize them in French just in case I got the opportunity to go there. When my husband and I married, we wanted to go to Paris for our honeymoon, but finances only got us as far as, well, an hour away from home. It was a nice, quaint, cozy honeymoon...and needless to say, we spent most of our time indoors, warmed by the fires of passionate, young love, so there was no room for touring a new destination. We figured we would visit Paris for our 5th anniversary...10th anniversary...15th anniversary. Time passed and we never got there.

In January of 2009, Georgian Banov came to town and as I sat on the front row, listening to him preach, he stopped and looked over at me. He came and took my hand, saying, "God says, 'France!' He is giving you France and He is awakening dreams within you." I was overcome by the Spirit of God as I felt Him invading my heart and reawakening the desires that I once had for France.

Fast-forward---> Through an amazing series of events, topsy-turvy moments, beautiful times and harsh times, God brought my husband and I to a new place in life in which we are ready to find out what treasures God has hidden for us in France. As we go there in February, totally by miraculous provision, I am anticipating something wonderful...something new. While there, we will renew our wedding vows since it will be our 20th year of marriage. There is something symbolic and, perhaps, prophetic about remembering and re-establishing covenant in a place where God wants to remind the people of Europe of His covenant with them. Like a child on an Easter-egg hunt, I am ready, basket in hand, to seek and find sweet surprises and things of value. Thank You, Father, for this dream come true.

The Mystery of the Door (Threshold Covenant)

2010-12-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

John 10:1 "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter by the door into the fold of the sheep, but climbs up some other way, he is a thief and a robber.
John 10:2 "But he who enters by the door is a shepherd of the sheep."
Jesus spoke these words to people who understood the threshold covenant. It was common in the East for a sacrifice to be made at the doorway of one's home when welcoming a guest. It was understood that when stepping over the threshold to enter someone's home, you were a guest, coming into a covenant of sorts with those who lived there, and that you would not bring each other harm. If he/she enters the home by some other way, not crossing the threshold, there is no such implied covenant on his part. He may even despoil or kill the head of the house without any breach of the law of hospitality (this was an earlier law of India).

The people did not understand what Jesus was saying...John 10:7--So Jesus said to them again, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.
8 All who came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them.
9 I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and [fn] have it abundantly."

Jesus calls Himself the door, which is interesting because He said in John 14:6, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me."

In Revelations, we are told of a door that is open in Heaven...and a voice calling, "Come up here..."

I have not yet discovered all of the hidden meanings in this "door" business, but He has my attention and I am quite ready to walk through that door once more, because I am hungry for Him. What I do see is that when we cross the threshold of Him (the door), we are saying "yes" to the covenant that God made with us and He is ready to bring blessing to our homes and families. I think I am going to open the door of my house and invite Him to step over my threshold. Now if only my physical eyes could be opened to see His entrance. Selah.

Redemption (by Kristene Mueller)

2010-12-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

I love this song!!!!

REDEMPTION

Redemption Lyrics
The darker the night
The brighter the day
The fiercer the fight
The stronger the faith
So I place my hope in You

The deeper sin
The stronger the blood
The more to forgive
The more reason to love
So I place my trust in You

In Your ways oh God
Redemption is so much better than perfection
In Your ways oh God

Over and over
You prove You're so faithful
Over and over
You prove Yourself a redeemer

The darker the night
The brighter the day
The fiercer the fight
The stronger the faith
So I place my hope in You

In Your ways oh God
Redemption is so much better than perfection
In Your ways oh God
Redemption is so much better than perfection
In Your ways oh God

Over and over
You prove You're so faithful
Over and over
You prove Yourself a redeemer

In Your ways I have
Redemption
So much better than perfection
So I place all my hope in You

Best Christmas Gift Ever

2010-12-25T18:26:00.001-08:00

My husband gave me the best Christmas gift ever. Thank you, William. This means so much to me.

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-22T11:15:00.001-08:00

This Christmas marks the first time in my life that I have not been to church for the entire month of December. Never before have I felt what it is like to miss the glorious anthems and moving Christmas hymns such as 'O, Holy Night,' being sung corporately, surrounded by hundreds of hope-filled, hungry worshippers. Never before have I watched Christmas pass by me so hastily...almost unnoticed. This entire year has been one of surprise, direction, yet no direction, purpose, yet at times the purpose seems hidden and elusive at every turn...a year of being processed, plunged to heights in God's glory that once appeared unimaginable, yet being plunged to lows that make the heights seem unattainable, yet being infused with hope, knowing that there are greater levels in life and God that remain untouched and they call to me. Perhaps there is no word to describe this last year. Whatever I could possibly label it, I suppose that God would re-label it since He is the only One with the ability to see it for what it truly is.

You may ask why I have not been to church for so long. This has been a season of being homebound as my father-in-law battles daily for strength, vitality, and ultimately, a miracle. A three-year process, nearly. Our family has prayed the prayer of faith. We have declared every good thing in accordance with God's Word. We have experienced great miracles and even great disappointment. We have met with depression and, at times, it refused to let us go. We have fought for joy and determined to never lose sight of God's goodness. We learned that if we begin to focus on what God is NOT doing, we easily open our minds to deception and a darkness that attempts to suck the essence of life from our veins. We have seen numerous, amazing miracles that could never be explained away, so why would we even succumb to what He has not done? Such a mystery. The good news is we have a hope and His name is Jesus!

As I watch 2010 pass by, I thank God for the beautiful display of His grace and goodness. I will forever marvel at that. At the same time, as I watch 2010 move into the not-so-distant past, I eagerly kiss it goodbye! I am hopeful for 2011. Occasionally, I have felt the enemy trying to saturate me with a spirit of foreboding as the future draws near, but I refuse to give him my gaze. I have heard it said that we become what we behold. I choose to behold my God. I choose to behold my husband, who stands by my side and loves his family. I choose to behold my children as they become who they were created to be. I choose to reflect on every glorious moment when God reached in and intervened on our behalf. With 2010's passing away, I bury any doubt and misguided feelings about who God isn't. I have seen my Savior at work. I have felt His embrace. I have been captured by the waves of love in His eyes and I know what it means to be adopted, wanted, and cherished. These are the things I will ponder.

My prayer is that everyone will encounter the Spirit of the Living God and be caught in the warm embrace of Jesus, feeling the whisper of the Holy Spirit upon their faces like a gentle, kissing wind. This is the place where healing comes. May every person be freed from the chains that bind them. May every heart that is lost in confusion and torment become enlightened with God's perspective and passion. May every heart that is being led astray be led home, only to find a fountain of grace awaiting them at the doorstep. May the broken places be made whole, into a majestic kaleidoscope of glory as the Father's light shines upon the pieces that once brought destruction. May every married couple know true intimacy with each other...let this year be the year when keys to hearts are found and turned, releasing life and joy into places that once carried pain. May this be the year when every child of God operates in love and grace, when the church as a whole becomes famous for the love it carries! May this be the year when floods of lost souls come running to the mercy seat, eager to taste of God's heart and behold His face. 2011--arise and shine, for your light has come!

What is a True Friend?

2010-12-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

What is a true friend? Here is a brilliant word written by my husband in 2005. I thought I should repost. Enjoy!

A veteran minister gave me the following advice once. He said, “Never trust a person who doesn’t bring their Bible to church.” I tilted my head to the side in true contemplative fashion and gave a slight nod as if to say, “Hmmm, I got it.” He then said, “And never trust a person who does bring their Bible to church.” I understood, then, that he didn’t know people and had probably been burned a time or two and just needed to meet the right people in order to make a full recovery to that place where you trust implicitly with the sacrificial love of Jesus. Years later, I now understand, that he knew the things of which he spake.

When people let you down, you tend to wonder if they knew what they were doing all along (insert evil laugh here) or if they simply got caught up in some emotional current and were swept away unawares (insert innocent blinking deer in headlights look here). Someone told me once that we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Some people have great intentions but simply can’t get their act together, and some people use outwardly righteous actions to disguise evil intentions. Either way, when things don’t go like we plan, we look for someone to blame. And blame never produces anything good in us. Consider the following. If we blame ourselves then we deal with guilt and shame. If we blame someone else it produces hate and bitterness. If we just blame the world as if that’s just the way things are, then we deal with depression and frustrated helplessness. So then, if we want to protect ourselves, we probably would do well to neither trust nor blame. Who do you really trust? I’ve found a precious few people in my life toward which I can trust. This leads to loyalty which is a lost virtue among humanity this day. Loyalty doesn’t mean that those around you agree with you or follow your leading blindly. Loyalty is a person who cares enough about you to protect you. If they see you falling, they run to catch you. If they see you in error, they care enough to attempt to open your eyes to it. It’s when they hear a rumor and defend you until they have uncovered all of the facts. It’s when you love people behind their back.

Disloyalty is when you see someone falling and you point it out to those around you with no regard to reaching out to rescue them. It’s when you see someone in error and point the error out to others without ever caring enough about the individual to confront them, thus destroying your relationships from the inside out. It’s when you see a solution, but you fail to reveal it to those who need it most. It’s when you see someone who is dying and you fail to give them the medicine that you hold in your hand. When it comes down to it, loyalty is one of the finest traits in a friend. Those to whom you extend it, will never forget it. Those to whom you deny it, will likely do the same. Oscar Wilde said, “A true friend is someone who stabs you in the front.” The Bible puts it like this. Pro 17:17 A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. How many friends do you truly have? This would be a good time of the year to let them know what they mean to you.

Happy Anniversary!

2010-11-30T21:43:00.001-08:00

Today, I celebrate nineteen years of covenant with my best friend. Just when I think I've learned to love, God opens another facet to the mystery of His heart. I thank God for all He has done in my life with William. I love you, Will, and am honored to be your wife. We have so much to look forward to and I am completely overjoyed about that! Happy anniversary.

Beautiful, Desperate Cry

2010-11-29T13:40:00.001-08:00

My husband once wrote this beautiful prayer from his heart. I believe that most everyone can identify with this desperate cry at some point in their lives.

"My God. If Your desire is to commune with me, what's stopping You? Certainly I don't have the power to hold you back, do I? And if I do, would You kindly (or unkindly) overpower me? I forever seek a deeper walk with You and always desire Your Presence. The waiting for You to speak, the wondering how I can attain to the Enoch walk, the Elijah mantle, the Samuel midnight visit, the Isaiah vision, or the Moses glow is enough to drive a mortal mad. I can sit for what seems like forever praying until I have nothing left to say but Your Name. Drag me to where You want me. Scream in my ear and should I be left deaf from the experience, my soul would be forever sustained knowing that You have allowed me to hear Your voice. If in Your touch, you strike me, whatever mark is left will tell my heart that You took a moment to touch me. I must know You more!"

Embracing Hope

2010-11-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

Last year, I had a dream in which Jesus took me to see His "Hope Diamond" in Heaven. The powerful, blue color exuding from it overtakes everything, shining down onto the earth and enveloping it in His hope for mankind. "Christ in us, the hope of glory." Have you ever noticed that the sky is blue? Uh, huh...we are enveloped in His hope for us.

A friend just sent me an article about the Hope Diamond's new setting, created by Harry Winston. Guess what the setting is called? "Embracing Hope." Harry spent 8 months creating the beautiful setting that is filled with diamonds. I believe that God is reminding His people to embrace hope because while we are experiencing an amazing move of God, things are being and will be shaken. We must embrace His hope...Christ IN us. We cannot forget what that means. His glory is revealed in us, despite our shortcomings and issues. He has promised this. So, today, take a look at the blue sky. If there are clouds blocking your view, watch for the blue to break through, and breathe in deeply, taking in His hope. He has not forgotten you and you are not ruined. "Christ in you. The hope of glory." He keeps His promises.

Summer Memory

2010-11-28T11:36:00.001-08:00

Anniversary Surprise

2010-11-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

Our wedding anniversary is November 30th. I am writing this post as a reminder to myself of the anniversary gift that God provided for me this year.

Here's a bit of history: In 1990, Bill was on a missions trip in Czechoslovakia and while there he prayed for a sign that he was to marry me. During that time, his parents were back in the U.S. holding revival meetings...a woman came to Bill's parents and gave them a set of wedding rings and she said, "These are for your son. The Lord said they are his. He can do whatever he would like with them." The rings were my size and they are very unique. Jewelers have often commented on how unique and rare they are...and how beautiful the diamond is.

SO, with our anniversary coming up, I was asking the Lord for an anniversary band...something symbolic of the increase of love and growth within our covenant. We looked around at bands, but nothing looked quite right and, honestly, everything was outside of our reach financially.

Yesterday, we went into Zales and the salesman showed us all of the bands they had on sale for Black Friday. Still, we could not handle the expense and I did not find a band that I was satisfied with. "God, I want something unique and I guess You will have to surprise me." And He did!!!! I asked the salesman, "Would you happen to have any pre-owned rings?" He looked surprised that I would ask. He went to another case where he opened several rings, but again, nothing worked with my ring. Finally, he picks up a ring that we somehow missed and he said, "Oh, wow! This looks like your ring's long, lost twin! It fit perfectly and looked amazing. My wedding ring has several diamonds that form the shape of a leaf. Well, this anniversary band also has diamonds that form a leaf! Perfect!

However, the price was $400, still out of our range, but he reduced it and gave me the Black Friday reductions. I got it for $100 and today they are soldering it together with mine!!!! I am so excited and am amazed by how God cared for this little detail for me. Even more wonderful is the relationship I have with my very best friend, my husband. I am grateful to God for His hand on our lives. Now, if I can have another 60 years, maybe I can get this love-thing down the way that He does it. ; )

The Mountain of Grace

2010-11-19T19:11:00.001-08:00

I have been climbing a mountain called Grace. Many times, I became weary of giving grace, trust and love because it often resulted in another painful experience. I would find myself in a good, seemingly safe place on the side of the mountain, but the pinnacle seemed out of reach . Disappointment and pain, betrayal and disillusionment would come and I would find myself spiraling down into a deep pit of insecurity, anger and sadness.

Why did joy seem to escape me? Joy and grace were like the precious jewels that were locked away behind numerous locks and barriers. I could see it but I could not touch or feel it.

I became weary of the climb, but more importantly, I became even more weary of the pit. Would I press through and reach the pinnacle of grace? Did I actually have it within me to continue loving, forgiving and believing the best about His Bride? Would I let my fears and insecurities keep me from peering over the mountaintop, frightened of what may be on the other side?

When I finally gave my pain, doubts, and fears to Him and asked for His heart and thoughts, I became saturated with His presence. I no longer asked Him to come into my heart. Instead, I asked that He take me into His heart. I found unbelievable, indescribable joy. I made it to the pinnacle and the view is magnificent. His love is real and penetrating. I dare you to make the climb.

Dreaming in the Rain

2010-11-18T17:30:00.000-08:00

My husband created this picture of me and him. I thought it was pretty cool and very much worth posting. The sky wets the earth with her tears...and lovers look longingly. Okay, that might sound cheesy, but I am trying to be artistic here.

My Thought For the Day

2010-11-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

I have often heard it said that "familiarity breeds contempt" but experience is teaching me that familiarity breeds love when it dwells in an atmosphere of grace. Selah.

The Power of Covenant

2010-11-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

In studying covenant, one story that I referred to was the relationship between David and Jonathan. This is a true story that some have tried to twist in an attempt to support their agenda, however, I would like to focus on a fact that few seem to acknowledge. The beauty of the story is this: When Jonathan, the son of a king, saw how a mere shepherd boy conquered a giant that everyone feared, Jonathan was intrigued and drawn to the anointing of God that rested upon David. He saw the favor of God upon David and recognized what he carried, and that is what drew Jonathan to desire a covenant relationship with this young man.

In 1 Samuel 18, Jonathan gave his own robe to David, along with his sword, bow and his belt. Imagine...a warrior prince giving these valued possessions, giving his identity to a shepherd boy. That is exactly what Jesus did for us when He spilled His blood for our souls. He was making covenant with us, stripping Himself of His robe of righteousness and taking upon Himself our shame...clothing us in His righteousness and making us priests and kings, a royal priesthood. The belt represents strength. Jesus traded us His strength for our weakness. He gave us His sword, His weapons, in essence, taking upon Himself our own enemies. And in turn, we now take on His enemies. We are in covenant.

Why would a King be drawn to make covenant with people like us? Because He sees what we carry...the seed that He placed within us. He breathed life into us and predestined us to be carriers of His glory. To allow us to remain apart from Him and live a life less than what He created it for is against His nature. That is why He came.

The most amazing part is that He keeps His covenant with us even when we continually break it. Humans have extremely high expectations when it comes to promises, but God has been merciful to us beyond what we deserve, as He continually forgives when we fail to meet His. I do not want to say that He "lowers His expectations" of us. On the contrary, He does have great expectations, but unlike us, He is patient enough and loving enough to forgive us and love us back into our destiny.

Covenant is stronger than you realize. The power of the blood of Jesus lies far beyond our ability to comprehend. Ask Him about His covenant with you and let Him show you how you have been clothed in His righteousness, prepared for battle and wrapped in His arms that never give up on you. Your life may not be perfect, but it can become more beautiful than ever imagined.

Insulation Hell

2010-11-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

My husband's thoughts on insulation: Taken from a post in 2003 while building a church...

"Everyone should have a verse of Scripture that speaks to where they are at any given moment. For me, today, it's the one in the second book of Hezekiah that says "Woe to you who install fiberglass insulation". I may have misquoted it there.
Fiberglass insulation is pure evil. It was actually invented by Thaddeus P. Thudpucker in 1836, the year that Texas became the greatest nation in the world. Legend has it that when Tad was a lad that he was bad that his dad got mad and had Tad build a pad. Something thick that would keep out not only the heat, but the sound of the Mariachi band next door. He was a stupid kid and made stuff out of glass and the theory of evolution was finally debunked when, in 2003, stupid people are still using that stuff to keep out the heat and the sound of the Mariachis next door.
There could be some good uses for it though. Having problems with a mouthy kid? No problem. "Here, Junior. Have some cotton candy." Far more effective than soap, I'm thinking. Rapists could be sentenced to have to wear insulated underwear. You can choose the color, yellow or pink. Got a itch on your arm. No problem. Pain is your body's way of crying for attention. Rub some insulation on it. Your body, expecting to be scratched and appeased, will be in shock at the onslaught of pain that you've unleashed and shut up about the itch. That last one is just a theory, mind you.
That part in the Bible that mentions the Lake of Fire is a lousy translation. The word there for fire in the Greek is actually 'fiberglass insulation'. That's eternal torment. A shower of lemon juice and then a synchronized swimming class in the lake of insulation. After a dinner of stale chips, lousy salsa, and no salt, you can enjoy a concert where Liberace plinks out Yanni's greatest hits on an out of tune piano. Oh yes. I'm going to sleep now. (Itch/scratch)"

Love Story by Traci Vanderbush

2010-11-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

A suspended, undulating sphere
Trodden by guilty feet and fear.
Fractured ground, splintered souls
Desperate to uncover a pulse.

A suspended, undying Love
Our sins made Him a mourning dove.
Mending blood pours deep and wide
Sure to saturate His withering Bride.

Gently, He presses His ear to hear
Her chest rising and falling with fear.
"I am perfect Love. Open your lips and see.
Breathe, Bride. Exhaling you, inhaling Me."

His essence over her spirit glides
Penetrating until their hearts collide.
He reaches in and plucks hers out...
Replacing it with His own. "She is Mine!" he shouts.

She shudders, eyes wide with rapture
Her chest rises, breathing deeply to capture,
Heaven's heartbeat now within her, eternally.
Intoxication, elation, joy and ecstasy.

"I have tasted. I have seen. What is this passion?
It lies deep within. It is You. And me You have fashioned.
Yet I cannot partake. Just look at me.
My garments, my clothes are tattered, You see?"

"Brilliant Bride, I am unaware of what you claim,
For My eyes see perfection and there is no shame.
I gave you my robe. You are pure and white as snow.
Every blemish, every stain...I no longer know."

She sighs, desperate to believe His words.
Afraid. She questions what she has just heard.
"It's impossible. Once a prostitute, my body marred,
Surely no mercy could be so strong. Someday, You will discard."

He dives into her soul with His spheres of grace,
Searching deeply within her, caressing her face.
"It is finished. See My hands...there you are engraved.
My blood has made you clean, no longer enslaved.

Suddenly, an explosion in her soul!
Nearly convinced that she is whole...
Tempted to shrink back and pull away,
But He firmly draws her to Him. "I am the Way."

"Open your lips. Breathe in deep.
My Bride. In My essence, you shall sleep.
You will dream, then awaken and see
All that you are is all of Me."

Daring to open herself and bare her soul,
She closes her eyes, her body falls into His hold.
A surge of life vanquishes every doubt.
Living waters flow. The curtain falls upon the drought.

A suspended, undulating sphere
Now carries the imprints of those that are dear.
Purchased, embraced in His grace.
Forever before Him, beholding His face.

Laughter in the Darkness

2010-11-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to believe that promise often comes with trial and terror. Throughout the Scriptures, there are many examples of God promising or revealing an extraordinary plan to His chosen ones, but before they arrive at the promise (and some miss the promise altogether due to their complaining), there is often trial, sorrow, and breaking. So it is with covenant. As I read Genesis 15, I noticed some things about Abram and his experience with God as covenant was made between them. In verse 5, God shows Abram the trillions of twinkling stars in the sky and He promises Abram a seemingly impossible thing: an old man gaining a son of his own seed and having descendants as numerous as the stars! How laughable (hence, the name "Isaac"). Did Abram's heart pump with excitement and joy? What an amazing promise!! Did Abram do the Macarena and throw a "Woot! Woot!" into the sky and call for the party of the century?

Before Abram could break out the cocktails and plan a feast, God began to give Abram instructions, requesting various animals that would then be cut and laid out before the Lord (covenant sounds attractive, huh?). Abram laid each half of the animals opposite each other and then he waited. An interesting thing happened next. Verse 12: "Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, terror and great darkness fell upon him." What?? Terror in the midst of a covenant process with God? Fear came after receiving a really cool promise from God? I don't get it. God then proceeds to give Abram a frightening word about the difficulty that would ensue. The Lord neatly packages the hair-raising word with a pretty little bow on top..."and afterward they will come out with many possessions. As for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you will be buried at a good old age." Sweet. Thanks for that.

What happened next really caught my attention: Genesis 15:17 says, "It came about when the sun had set, that it was very dark, and behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a flaming torch which passed between these pieces (of dead animals). [Verse 18} On that day, the LORD made a covenant with Abram..." I wonder why God waited until dark. Was it to enhance the stunning visual of a fire burning against the black sky? Or could it be that He likes to descend with His fire in the midst of our darkness? I vote for option number two.

So I pondered this thought for the rest of the day: It was in the midst of our darkness...it was while we were yet sinners...it was while we still broke His heart...when we were well past fruit-bearing season, it was after sunset, when the atmosphere around us was black, that He came to make covenant with us. He rejoices in bringing His light, His fire, His promise when we are sure that there is no hope of leaving a legacy. He comes with laughter..."Isaac"...He makes a promise to us and lets us know that the road ahead may be rugged, rutted, and uneven, but His promise remains. His seed is in us and it is impossible for His seed to not bear something beautiful and full of life.

So remember, if you are awakened with terror and struggling with the pains of the course of your life, begin to laugh. For He is about to intervene with a wondrous promise in the midst of your darkness. And when He does, never let it go.

Covenant, Lies, Weak Muscles and Sex (Caught Your Attention?)

2010-11-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are preparing to celebrate 19 years of marriage. As our anniversary approaches, I feel a bittersweet joy, mixed with sorrow, when I ponder the number of our friends who have experienced the poison of loss...particularly the loss of covenant. I have watched many who are close to me wear the pain of betrayal on their faces; their bodies bear the death of a covenant. Smiles have weakened. Eyes that were once filled with joy, struggle to lift their lids long enough to dare to greet another day. Do they dare to love again? God has brought covenant to my attention during this season. What is covenant, exactly? How durable is it, really? Can mankind ever keep a covenant and truly live a life of joy? I know there is a mystery regarding covenant that lies so deeply within the heart of God and it is something tangible, waiting to be discovered and experienced.

My husband has taught me, "Covenant always wins." More than anything, I want to believe that, but sadly, I cannot convince my heart that this is true. I know that God's covenant forever stands, and there is power in the blood of His beloved Son that maintains a covenant that can never be destroyed. How can He not win? As I have poured over many books of the Bible, like Hosea, Amos, Jeremiah, and many others, I see the pain in God's heart as He watches those He loves staggering in a cesspool of what they believe to be something that brings them joy. It is called deception. Yet, the Lover stands by, sometimes feeling the desire to snuff them out, destroying the very ones that He longed for in the beginning...yet His heart moves from anger to love, once again. He forgives. He continues to love. He woos. He gives. He even sets the perpetrators in positions of honor and uses them for His glory. Are we, as people, able to be that strong?

There have been moments when I feared loving. If you never want to hurt, then by all means, avoid relationship. However, in doing so, you forfeit the treasure of truly living...living deeply and living fully, and that would be the greatest pain of all. Ending life alone, empty, and having no remaining connection to the continuance of history and legacy... Surely, that is a pain that far outweighs the pain of loving.

Sometimes, the barrier to love is totally based on misperception, miscommunication and misunderstanding, which means that the barrier is based on lies. The only power that the enemy truly has is his lies. The lie holds no power until we choose to believe it. Once believed, we have opened the door to his influence, and once we stick our foot in the door, he convinces us that there is no turning back. A fog enters our mind, and slowly...sometimes suddenly, we are convinced that our mess is actually destiny. How deluded we become as we begin listening to the voice of hell itself. Stolen destinies are often born out of pausing at the barrier to love just long enough to take a glance, thinking perhaps that what we once thought was love may have actually been a farce...so we move into a trap, believing we will be set free.

So, what of misperception? What of miscommunication? Sometimes a LACK of communication is the culprit. In my case, my husband and I recently uncovered a sad, yet hilarious, misperception in our own relationship. After almost 19 years of marriage, we discovered that my face was the problem. You see, I have a weak muscle on the left side of my face that causes my closed-lip smile to appear as a smirk, when viewed from the left. Since my husband is often the one who drives our vehicle while we are on the road, he could only see the left side of my face, seemingly smirking, after he would unfold a joke or brilliant thought. All along, I was amused, enjoying his thoughts, but from the appearance of my face, he interpreted my look as the presence of contempt, viewing him as a fool who lacked the ability to capture my heart with his communication. Talk about sad. Thank God we discovered what was really happening!! Now we can enjoy conversation and he knows that I am not putting him down with my visage.

Okay, back to the topic of lies. I know I am jumping from topic to topic within this topic of covenant, but bear with me, as my thoughts have been much like a pinball, flying crazily from place to place, pretending to slow down and descend, but then shooting off quickly, again and again, before coming to rest. I cannot keep up with my score. At this rate, I should be a winner. Dang! I just lost the thought again.

Rabbit trail #33: I once had a dream where Jesus took me to Heaven, to His special room that contained a magnificent, blue stone that sent a blanket of blue light that covered the earth. He looked at me and said, "This is My Hope Diamond." I later realized that our sky is blue because it reflects His hope for all of creation. God literally envelops us in His hope. He never gives up on us. This revelation helped me to understand why when battling disappointment, nighttime seems to be the most difficult. The black night sky conceals the reflection of His hope for His creation. How many times does the Bible tell us to "look up" or "life up your head?" Scientists recently discovered that if you lift up your head or look up while thinking a negative thought, the thought will actually not depress you as much as it does when you are looking down. Is that not amazing? The next time you are feeling down, look up and gaze into the blue sky. Gaze upon the hope that He has for you.

Rabbit trail back to marriage and covenant: Is there anything interfering with your marriage covenant? Is there anything you dare not tell your spouse? If so, lay it all out on the table and cut off the ties that are interfering with true intimacy. A safe place is truly a safe place when it contains total honesty within covenant. A secret sin unconfessed becomes a stronghold. You are only as sick as your secrets. The enemy has a way of making that "secret place" feel safe, when in reality, the only safe place is in God's secret place, where hearts are exposed and covenant is celebrated. "Remember the wife of your youth. May her breasts satisfy you always." MMM. Read the Song of Solomon. Read the Psalms. Soak it up!!!

Have you ever thought about how the enemy tries to interfere with God's covenant with you? How can he destroy that covenant? By getting you to believe lies, he can cause you to lose the intense enjoyment of the covenant that has been promised to you. In the natural, this is what is reflected in marriages. It always comes down to lies that someone is believing. Dang it!! The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Jesus doesn't jump the fence and say, "Oh, silly Me. I meant, over here! That marriage served its purpose. Now, come try this out." No!!! However, He does have a way of bringing beautiful things out of our crappy situations. If you are lacking pleasure and connection in your marriage, it is only an invitation to seek it within your spouse and find the treasure that lies within. Are you too tired for an adventure? I hope not.

All of this to say that I am asking God for new revelation on covenant. I believe that there is such a deep mystery about covenant that remains to be unfolded...and I want to see it, because I am thirsting and hungering for the key to true, lasting, loving, beautiful, fulfilling covenant so that I do not have to witness overwhelming pain in the faces of those that I love. I have had people complain to me about Bill Johnson's message "on earth as it is in Heaven" (ummm...that's actually Jesus' message) but I for one am willing to walk in this direction, seeking God and releasing everything that He desires for His creation. Jesus paid a heavy, painful price and I want Him to get what He paid for. He paid for us. He paid for covenant. Let us not disappoint Him. He deserves everything and everyone that He bled for.

So, is there a barrier to your happiness? Don't give up too quickly. Seek the Master Lover and let Him infuse you with His life that brings the most amazing climax you will ever know. I know...I used a controversial term. That leads to a whole other thought I have about sex. Perhaps I will write about that later.

Feelin' Dry?? You Can Be a Watered Garden!

2010-10-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

If you feel like a scorched place...if you feel darkness surrounding you, try this. Then read the cross references and open wide! You will become a watered garden, with a spring of water that will never fail.

Isaiah 58
9"Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
You will cry, and He will say, 'Here I am '
If you remove the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness,
10And if you give yourself to the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then your light will rise in darkness
And your gloom will become like midday.
11"And the LORD will continually guide you,
And satisfy your desire in scorched places,
And give strength to your bones;
And you will be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

Cross references:
Isaiah 58:9 : Ps 50:15; Is 55:6; 65:24
Isaiah 58:9 : Is 58:6
Isaiah 58:9 : Prov 6:13
Isaiah 58:9 : Ps 12:2; Is 59:13
Isaiah 58:10 : Deut 15:7; Is 58:7
Isaiah 58:10 : Job 11:17; Ps 37:6; Is 42:16; 58:8
Isaiah 58:11 : Is 49:10; 57:18
Isaiah 58:11 : Ps 107:9; Is 41:17
Isaiah 58:11 : Is 66:14
Isaiah 58:11 : Song 4:15; Is 27:3; Jer 31:12
Isaiah 58:11 : John 4:14; 7:38

I love the cross references for Isaiah 58:11 on the "watered garden."
Solomon 4:15--"You are a garden spring,
A well of fresh water,
And streams flowing from Lebanon."

Isaiah 27:3--"I, the LORD, am its keeper;
I water it every moment
So that no one will damage it,
I guard it night and day.

Jeremiah 31:12--"They will (A)come and shout for joy on the height of Zion,
And they will be radiant over the bounty of the LORD--
Over the grain and the new wine and the oil,
And over the young of the flock and the herd;
And their life will be like a watered garden,
And they will never languish again.

The Power in a Kiss

2010-10-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, I've been pondering the kiss. Oh, how I love to kiss. There is nothing quite like the touch of my husband's lips to mine.

I was reading Genesis 2:7: And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

In the beginning, when the earth was without form, and void, the Creator simply spoke things into being. "Let there be light." "Let there be...." But when it came to man, He took the time to lovingly dip His hands into the dust that He had made. He crafted an intricate sculpture, inside and out. He could have said, "Let there be man" or "Let him come to life" or whatever, but instead, He placed His mouth over Adam's lifeless face and breathed His very own breath into him. Imagine the heart beginning to pump...blood, the life-force surging through his veins. Adam's very first breath...a gift from the Father! The kiss of life.

In John 20:19, Jesus breathed on His disciples...the breath of life that would infuse them with His heartbeat to do all that He told them they could do. The kiss of life, once again. Man fully restored to his original intent.

Every time I think about the power of breath, life, and the kiss, I cannot wait to press my lips to my husband's. I feel life surge through my veins. There is an exchange of life that takes place, and if you pay attention, you too will feel the power of that exchange. Be conscious of the life of God within you...breathe into your spouse the breath of Heaven. You will feel something you've never felt before. If you are having problems communicating or even with loving your spouse, pray and ask God to infuse you with His presence and then lay your lips on his/hers and give your spouse a hefty dose of His breath! Get ready for the surge.

Remembering God in the Hospital

2010-10-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

As we drove home from Dallas yesterday, Bill began to have severe chest pain, dizziness, and his blood pressure and pulse skyrocketed. We drove into Temple, where I pulled into a Walmart to have his blood pressure checked. Yes, this is the red-neck version of medical care. Heehee. (I thought that Jeff Foxworthy might appreciate this story.) The Walmart BP machine showed his pulse to be 114 and his BP was high, so I drove him to the nearest hospital.

It was just before noon when we arrived and he was rushed in. Due to the type and location of the pain, the doctors quickly did a CT scan to rule out a dissection in the aorta, which is deadly. Before they came to get him for the test, I laid my hands on him and thought about how I was touching an ark of God, much like the ark of the covenant. God's presence dwells inside of us...no longer in a box. I began to sing, "You are an ark of His glory" and I asked the Lord to fill the room with His glory. After the test was over, a nurse moved him into a new room. She introduced herself, "Hello, my name is Glory." I expressed to her that I loved her name and she replied, "Yes, we have nurses here named Faith, Hope and Grace. Isn't that wild??" I knew that God was up to something. After Glory got my husband settled in, we never saw her again.

A few minutes later, I received a text from a friend who had just prayed over my father-in-law's heart (at the urging of the Lord). His prayer was, "Father, fill this Temple with your glory." The awesome thing about that prayer is that we were in the hospital in TEMPLE and we had the nurse named GLORY!

Bill was admitted to the hospital for further testing and our night was quite restless. A man across the hall from us would cry out every 20 minutes, "Help! Help! Someone get in here!" Over and over again, nurses would try to explain to him that he was in a hospital. He had to be restrained. Literally, every 20 minutes, he would begin screaming again. I asked God for His glory to fill the room. At 5 am, the man cried out again, "I'm dying! I'm dying! No one is here and I'm about to die!" I got up and walked into his room. The sight scared me for a second. He looked like a corpse. I moved closer and said, "Sir? Sir, you are going to be okay because Jesus is here with you." He would not open his sunken eyes, but replied, "No. I am alone." I reassured him, "Sir, Jesus loves you and He is here right now. He is sending His angels to be with you and everything will be okay." Without opening his eyes, he reached out his hand and I took it. "Jesus is here. You will be all right."

A nurse stepped in and was shocked to see me there. I left the room and got into my $10,000 per night cozy cot. :) I felt a blanket of peace descend over us. I never heard another peep from the man. The next morning I peeked in and he was lying there, peacefully. That afternoon, a family member came and checked him out. I never found out what his story was, but I thought it was amazing how the Lord comforted him and he stopped crying out.

Bill was diagnosed with a mild heart condition that requires no treatment and we were released. I write this journal entry as a reminder to myself that God was with us in the hospital and He showed His glory!

God's Cry

2010-08-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

As I fell asleep this afternoon, I began to dream of the world. I could see people all over the world and I heard the voice of God, crying, "Will you make a place for Me inside of your heart...a place for Me to hold onto, where I can pull Myself into You? When I come in, our hearts will be one. You in Me. I in You. You will know My voice. We will speak as one."

Then I saw husbands and wives stepping into each other, their hearts melting into one. When this happened, there was amazing power that went out. The only way I know to describe it is a love-light...the goodness of God...the love of Jesus that shined out from each "unit" (couple) and the world was filled with joy.

So I thought about how marriage is a picture of God's relationship with us, His Bride...how He longs for us, and how powerful it is when we desire Him so much that we surrender to His heart. Can you imagine what the world would look like if each of us surrendered to God 100%? Can you imagine what the world would look like if every husband and wife fell in love with each other again, totally surrendering their hearts to each other? He in us. Us flooding the earth with His goodness.

Jesus already surrendered His heart to us when He died on the cross. All we have to do is surrender our hearts to Him. Simple exchange. Bountiful results.

Savior Love

2010-06-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

Love-drenched pools of compassionate tenderness. Hazel jewels that grant pardon to the weakest. A menial soul held captive, lost in the expanse of a sea so dark; the unexpecting heart at first refrains from the touch of the liberating salvager, finally giving in to the emancipating kiss. Unchained. Unbound. Discharged from the watery grave where it was found.

"Do you see what I see?" Love asks. Love stands. A response seems to have such little meaning, for there are no adequate words to express this new-found rush of life, essence and vitality...too deep to speak its interpretation. What action, what touch, what verbalization exists to do justice to the love of One who spilled His blood? Love-drenched, hazel pools that grant pardon to the weakest and the lowest. When shame attempts its wicked hold on the chosen vessels, Love breathes long and deep, piercing the clay with its magnificent river, moving debris far away...free to fall. In. Love. Falling into Him.---By Traci Vanderbush

2010-05-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

I THOUGHT THEY LOOKED LIKE A SAFE PLACE.

I have been pondering what it means to be a safe place and how important it is to have a safe place. The power of safety...a place where grace and mercy are found, that peels back the layers of the enemy's lies, revealing true identity...grace that washes away fear and brings freedom to the captive heart. Why is it rare to find safety within the church? We are the recipients of ultimate safety, washed in grace that's colored with blood. Therefore, we should be the ones who freely release the fullness of grace to others, unconditionally.

We see brokenness in the world, and long to be the heroes who have the solutions. It is easy to point fingers and find sin with our "wise" laser-beam vision. Truthfully, there is no nobility in having the ability to uncover faults. The true honor is being able to joyfully release grace, forgiveness, and compassion in the midst of great sin. It is then that we get to experience the miracle of the cross, as we breathe His heart, "Your sins are forgiven," and that truth penetrates the soul, the spirit, the very core of another. He died once for all. I realize that in the past, I had treated Christ's sacrifice as if it might not be enough. The enormity of a sin outweighed my understanding of the power of the blood. How ignorant I was. If we are more consumed with the sins of others, then we have lost sight of how big and powerful our God is...or perhaps, we never comprehended His greatness.

As a minister's wife, I have encountered numerous pastors' wives, ministry leaders, and others who are desperate to find a safe place. They have no place to go where they can uncover their blemishes without being misjudged and looked down upon. If the leaders are lacking grace-filled umbrellas, then we cannot expect unbelievers to come seeking shelter from the Body. Think of that term, "the Body." A body that does not function in unity and is not willing to help an injured member will ultimately become sick. The success and well-being of every member of the body is vital! In advancing the Kingdom of God, we need everyone...after all, is it true that God wills that none should perish? Too often, the Body of Christ lops off its members, not wanting to waste their time or energy on seeing them come into their destinies...I mean, a bruise or broken bone is unsightly, so perhaps we should just chop off that section and try to hide the blemish. The Father looks at us and says, "But I gave you grace. Release it and watch the body thrive." It is that simple...grace restores.

I am asking myself, "Am I a safe place? Can someone come to me and air their "dirty laundry" or their struggles safely? Can I look at them through the blood of Jesus as clean, pure, holy, and acceptable? Can I lay down my religiosity (I sure hope I don't have any of that left within me) and feel the deepest, brightest love of the Father for them? Can I look at them, without identifying them by their sin, and look beyond, into their true identity? Can I see their beauty and hear the Father's plans for them? Can I stop myself from even thinking of disqualifying them for the work of the Kingdom?" Guardian, a harbor, a haven, defender, protector, refuge...this is what I long to be. If I am a safe place for them, then I am a safe place for the heart of God. Jesus, teach me to be like You.

What God is Up To

2010-05-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

Heavenly firefly-lights warm the heart, giving wings to the dry soul, awakening our spirits to the destiny He washed in blood, opening tombs to love, piercing frozen rivers with fire that ignites. Free to flow...this is what God is doing everywhere I go.

Paramount Memories (Austin's Paramount Theatre)

2010-04-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

The Paramount Theatre contains a special magic that carries the power to reawaken hearts and cause them to ponder the force behind creative expression that releases life. There is an indescribable beauty within those theatre walls that holds the remnants of countless emotions. Laughter, tears of sadness, awe and wonder have often visited this refuge. Every time that I walk through its doors, the weight of the world upon my shoulders lightens a bit. There is something there that draws me in and beckons to be heard. A memory is waiting to happen.

As the holidays approach, I find myself longing for something miraculous, something peaceful, or perhaps, what I am thirsting for is a renewed hope for humanity. I find these things when I walk through those old, wooden doors. What is it about this historic theatre that brings me into an encounter with comfort and hope? Perhaps it is because of the impression that has been burned into my memory of the time when I sat with my husband and children in the Paramount at Christmas-time, and we relished the journey of George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Or maybe it is because I heard my grandmother’s stories about living in Austin in the 1930’s. She would often tell me of the times when her little sister would be missing from school and she set out in search of her. My grandmother always knew where to find “sister.” The first place she investigated was the Paramount Theatre, and sure enough, little Billie Jo would be sitting in the left balcony, watching a movie.

I suppose that what I am trying to convey is that there is a sweet treasure awaiting your presence. She quietly and humbly stands, ready with a stage that is forever marked with memories that outnumber the cars that pass by each day, and she waits for your heart to come and be filled with renewed happiness. There is a curtain waiting to open, ready to give you an experience you are sure to cherish. Perhaps, I am being too dramatic, but I know one thing and that is this. When the curtain closes, my heart is alive again.

What is Love?

2010-02-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

I once thought that I loved as deeply as a human could possibly love, but as time goes on, I realize that I may not know the first thing about real love. Maybe I just loved the best that I knew how, and God smiled at that as a father smiles at his child who just learned how to stand. The child may feel proud that he can stand, yet there are so many things yet to accomplish, like walking, running, jumping, hopping on one foot, leaping, climbing, swimming, mastering skills, and so on.

Perhaps the level of love that I knew was just the beginning...the baby steps. The challenge in learning to love like Jesus is that there is pain involved and sometimes there is pain that goes so deep, you can barely breathe, let alone stand. But, wait. Is that really love? Is it possible to love so deeply and freely that the pain of disappointment and loss cannot shake your heart and soul? Is it possible to keep loving, without fear, even though you know that disappointment is right around the corner? Keep reading to find the answer.

I have always believed that love is a choice. You can choose to love. I still believe that to some extent, but there is a love that goes deeper and it is simply a gift. A friend told me that if one has to try to trust, then there is no trust. If one has to try to love, then there is no love. Perhaps, maybe taking the action can create a reality, but I would rather that God flood me with the gift of love and trust.

Christians often pray for boldness. I have prayed for boldness many times, but now I realize that all I need is love. If I am overflowing with the love of God, I will not need boldness. You see, boldness without love can be cruel and obnoxious. But love is the passion that drives us to do the impossible.

My parents have a recording of me as a child, reading the verse: "Perfect love casts out fear." I suppose that God knew I would need to hear that verse...my own voice, reciting to my own ears the truth that would bring me freedom in the future. I thought, "What is perfect love?" The answer is Jesus. He is perfect love, so if I am full of His Spirit, I will walk in perfect love. This is my prayer today: "Jesus, fill me with Yourself, that I will become love personified; a mighty, overflowing river of life and peace that touches everyone and everything in its path. This is what I desire to be. A river of love."

Heavenly Urges

2010-01-25T16:57:00.000-08:00

I cannot think of a better title. I mean, what else do I call these "strange" desires? These are impulses that have been increasing over the years, but I often suppressed them in an attempt to maintain the proper, dignified pastor's-wife image. How dumb could I get? Why wipe away tinges of joy and hide fragments of happy feelings and pretty thoughts? I must have made God cry. How many times did He give me a gift of joy and I turned my face away from His so I could keep my calm, cool and collected dignity?

What are these surges of impulsive, joyful, flesh-moving moments? As I drive down the road on a sunny morning, I notice sparkles in the concrete and I suddenly become overwhelmed by an urge to pull over and lay down on the road. No, not in a suicidal way, but in a happy, "I want to hug the road and soak up the sparkles" kind of way. I wondered why I would feel such a desire and I was quickly reminded that the streets in Heaven are gold. Could it be that my spirit became overjoyed as I saw something that looked like home? Could it be that Heaven was right there, shining a light for me, reminding me that my final destination is nearby? At hand? Within reach?

I drive home in the evening, shortly before sundown and I turn onto a road that reveals a big, deep blue, yet bright sky that is suspended over a field that recently held the frost of winter. I literally take my hands off of the steering wheel and open my arms wide, with a longing to hug the sky...wanting to be enveloped by its grandness.

On another evening, as the sun begins to set with fiery gold flashes across the west, my eyes are drawn to look east and I see the lavender, rose, and violet hues in the clouds that hang behind the tree's silhouettes. My tongue begins to taste a Heavenly flavor that I cannot describe and I feel myself thinking like a child who longs to touch her tongue to the pretty popsicle, but she must wait until after dinner. Can you remember how that felt? I knew that if there was a way to taste those clouds, it would be out-of-this-world!

I find myself smiling at awkward times induced by awkward things...like tonight. I stood in line at the grocery store and was overcome by joy while looking at a silly, ladybug balloon that said, "Lil Love Bug." What was that sound? Did I just laugh out loud? Me? A dignified woman? Well..."dignified" might be a far-fetched description for me. Those who know me can vouch for that.

One of the strangest "urges" that I have held since childhood is making animal sounds. When I see an animal, I cannot help but try to communicate how adorable it is, by making up words and sounds. My dog seems to understand what it means. My husband has often been embarrassed by me as we drive down country roads and I see cows, donkeys, and horses. I can never pass by them without rolling down the window and hollering, "Mooooo!" or "Hey horsey, horsey! How are you? You are so cute!"

How many times have I passed a field and longed to dance in it? How many times have I seen a row of trees and I wished I could place a hammock in their branches to nap in? How many times have I envisioned floating on giant leaves on the lake, surrounded by massive, colorful butterflies that carry me to the shore? Too many times to count.

Some may call me "weird" or "delusional." Some may say that I suffer from childish inclinations or some psychotic notion. I have talked with God quite a bit about it and I get the feeling that He has given me those desires as a gift and it is simply my spirit, and even my flesh, responding to His presence and His creation. After all, if you were to create a piece of art, would you rather that people walk by and look at it, emotionless, dignified, and unaffected or would you like to see them smile, cry, and be so moved by your creation that they cannot contain themselves?

I go for the second choice. I will no longer be afraid of taking joy in His art, but I will embrace and wait with joyful anticipation for those Heavenly urges.

All Things New

2010-01-17T12:22:00.001-08:00

Floodgates
Dams
Deep calls to deep
Barriers
Walls
Safer to let the heart sleep
Cracking
Opening
From it, sorrows seep
Flowing
Weaving
Ancient wounds leap
Over
Under
Around
Beyond
Hurting places hidden in song
A melody formed
To encapsulate pain
Shofar blows
Trumpet cries
Breaking blinders from our eyes
New
Restored
Breathing again
For real
Life
Peace
Rivers of joy
Gladness
Smiles
A diamond is birthed
Pleasures unearthed
Tears of love
Bittersweet love
Capturing joy in the dust
Settling
Smoothing
Waking the heart
This love is real
Hands
Eyes
Lips
That release
A Savior's heart
To every beast
Peace
Shalom
Be still
And know
You are not alone
He is God
Faithful
Promising
All things new

Tucson on Fire

2010-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

Here is a sketch that my husband did while narrating his childhood memories.

My Husband's Prague Sketch

2010-01-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

New Year. New Heart.

2010-01-01T19:00:00.001-08:00

Starry night.
Firework light.
Spectacular display of luminous energy.
Gunpowder explosions kindle the flame within.
Beautiful showers of light.
My heart beats faster,
daring to demolish...
The rampart heart
that covers itself.
Hiding.
Pretending.
Now deciding
to be free.
Sweet, sweet liberty.

Father and Son

2009-12-05T15:05:00.001-08:00

Here is my husband's "Father and Son" sketch that made the front page of YouTube. As of today, it has been viewed over 251,000 times. We have received numerous emails from people who have been really moved by this piece of work. I am so proud of my man!

Painting Me (by Traci Vanderbush)

2009-11-16T19:52:00.001-08:00

Gentle touches
Pleasant strokes
Your hand in motion
Brushing the pain away

Pretending my heart is there
Where your fingers transpose
images from your soul
Brushing the pain away

Your eyes intent, piercing, set
on creating something beautiful
I place my heart there, saying,
"Let him brush the pain away"

You are moving me
My heart swells
I can see the light coming
You are painting me

The Ship That Let Me Down

2009-10-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about the first "wounding" I can remember experiencing as a child. Quickly, the thoughts of first grade came flooding into my mind.

My family very rarely went out to eat. We had regular meals of tuna fish, macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, spaghetti, and pretty much anything that was cheap to make. I do remember some delicious salmon croquettes that my mom would occasionally make. That was usually the night that we got to eat like kings. My hard-working parents always made sure that I was fed, and every once in a great while, they would announce, "We are going out to eat."

When the announcement would come, I felt like a winner! It was like winning a trip to Hawaii. Typically, when going out to eat, it would be Pancho's Mexican buffet... truly a feast fit for a king, in my mind. Even getting to eat fast food was a treat. I recall the trip to Long John Silver's when I was in the first grade. Walking into the restaurant, I marveled at the decorations. The anchor on the wall, the steering wheel of a ship, and the snazzy sea-side rope that lined the way to the counter. "I am rich," I would think. My parents ordered a kids meal for me. I could hardly contain the excitement when I received my fish dinner, complete with hushpuppies (what a cool name) and french fries inside of a paper boat. I kept that boat and cherished it. That was a treasure to me.

The following week, my teacher announced that we were going to have "show-and-tell." I did not have to think about what I would bring. I immediately knew that my prized boat would be the object of everyone's attention! That day came around and I could not wait for my turn. I stood up in front of everyone with my little, paper boat and began to tell. "I got to go to a place called Long John Silver's and they gave me my food in this boat. I had fish, hushpuppies and french fries." Everyone began to laugh. The sweet teacher lovingly said, "And, Traci...why is this so special to you?" I stood there looking at my laughing classmates. I heard them saying, "That's stupid! Everyone gets those! That's not a big deal. How dumb!"

I remember feeling like the biggest fool in the world. How could they laugh at my prized treasure? This was a big deal to me. Was everyone else REALLY rich? Was I the scum of the earth? I could not understand. I remember going to my seat, fighting back tears and saying, "It's NOT stupid!" From that day forward, I was nervous when "show-and-tell" came around.

The really cool thing about that time for me was that I began to talk to God a lot. I remember having conversations with Him in my bedroom and under my trailer (my hideout). I cannot recall all that He said. All I know is that I felt so loved, so valued, and so rich. I always believed that I was a princess. That ship may have let me down, but my King would always love me and cherish me. And somehow, I still love that little, paper boat. It brought me so much joy for a time, but I regret to tell you that I tore it up that day because I felt angry and hurt. My ship had let me down.

And here is my revelation for the day: Even though God is not the one who lets me down, I can be tempted to blame Him if I am not careful. When disappointment is thrown my way, will I choose to cherish Him and believe in Him all the more? Will I refuse to blame Him? I can say that I am finally in that place. He is with me...and my "ship" has come in.

Keeping Warm

2009-10-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

On a snowy day in rural Minnesota.

When I Met My Man...

2009-10-01T16:21:00.001-07:00

I have been married to my childhood sweetheart for almost eighteen years. As we approach our anniversary, I begin to think back about our first days together. I was only six years old when this man came into my life. We often joke about being "trailer trash" because we lived in a very poor trailer park, where childhood play consisted of making mud pies, tearing down the metal fences to make a bouncy toy, and swinging on water hoses from the trees. Our life was an exciting one.

I had few friends in that trailer park, but that changed one day when an evangelist, his wife and little boy moved two lots over from us in their travel trailer. I remember meeting that little boy with the big, brown eyes that sparkled with the light of life. I remember the cute little mole on his left cheek. I remember feeling happy that I had a new friend. Our lives were so different...he being the son of an evangelist and I was the daughter of a fairly hippy-type couple. My mother was a belly dancer and I often spent Wednesday nights at the local belly dance show downtown, while my sweet, new friend spent his Wednesday nights in revival services. Somehow, his parents were brave enough to let him play with me.

I recall one moment in particular, when my belly-dancing mommy was practicing her sword dance in our living room. She bumped into the television and the sword fell from her head into her leg. I ran to the evangelist's trailer and knocked frantically on the door. My now mother-in-law opened the door and I said, with my Texas drawl, "My momma just stabbed herself with a sword! Can you help her?" I remember the scared look in her eyes. The brave evangelist and his wife went to check on my mom and they ended up taking an interest in this strange, hippy couple, praying for them faithfully every day.

As time went by, my little friend and I played regular games of Spy. You see, we were the secret agents in that trailer park and it was our duty to spy on the other children in the park. I believe that one of them was actually a mermaid and we were trying to solve that mystery. Another favorite past time was watching The Roadrunner and other Looney Tunes cartoons. I recall making fun of my little friend, "You must be poor. You only have a black-and-white T.V. Mine is color!" I was quite rude. I often hit him on the head with his drumsticks when he refused to let me play his drums.

I suppose I watched too much television, because somewhere along the way, I learned things that I probably should not have known. "Billy" came over to play with me one day and he seemed interested in my new, plastic camera. Well, we had a photo shoot that I will not describe in detail. I had heard words that I did not understand, but somehow, I had learned enough to tell him, "You have a 'sexy' stomach." For all I knew, that might have meant "fat" or "white." He claims that I am the only person that has ever spoken those words to him.

Before long, we ended up going to revival services together. I always had a longing to know God and my parents made sure to tell me that He was there. Billy's parents discipled my parents and cared for their souls. As time went on, our friendship grew and so did my love for God. When Billy had to leave, I continued my conversations with God. I remember laying underneath of our trailer (that was my shelter, my castle) and I would talk to Him and ask Him what He was like. He told me many things.

Every couple of years, I would get to see Billy when his parents were passing through town during their evangelistic tours. When I was seventeen years old, Bill came to town, and when we saw each other, everything was different. I had written a letter to God two weeks prior to Bill's arrival and I promised God that I would not have a boyfriend again until He brought me the one that I was to marry. I felt a passion for youth ministry and I was looking into going to Christ For the Nations to pursue that. When Bill arrived, there was an immediate attraction, but I gave him the cold shoulder, for fear of him being a "jerk" that might steer me away from my mission. However, within a week, we had shared our goals with each other, which were a perfect match and we ended up committing ourselves to each other. In fact, we attended a revival meeting that week where his dad was preaching, and as we knelt down at the pew together, I will never forget the feeling of his hand slipping into mine; his fingers wrapping around my hand and holding me in such a way that said, "I am forever with you."

After that week, Bill left for a European missions trip, where he helped build a church in Czechoslavakia. During his time there, he prayed and asked God if he should marry me. He was only seventeen years old at the time, with no job and no money. So he told God that if he was supposed to marry me, God would have to give him an engagement ring. During that time, back in the United States, a woman approached Bill's parents at a church meeting. She handed them a beautiful set of wedding rings and said, "The Lord wants me to give this to you for your son. You can sell them for money for college or something. Whatever you want to do with them is fine." The rings were exactly my size!!

Long story short, we married about a year-and-a-half later at the tender ages of eighteen and nineteen. God has blessed our lives tremendously and we have experienced his favor over and over. Now, we seem to be in the most unsettling, seemingly directionless time of our lives, yet I know that God will lead just like He always has. He is with us, smiling over us and delighting in our relationship. And I think we are going to explore the beginnings of our friendship, relish in our times together, experience renewed passion, and perhaps, make a few mud pies...or play Spy...or something like that. All I know is that I am happy to be with him. I like that day when I met my man....

My Name

2009-09-13T21:35:00.001-07:00

He called me Courageous Grace
I did not understand
But He knew it would be required
that I walk in courage as I give out grace.

Pouring out grace would be required,
and it would make courage a necessity.

Grace to cover shame
Grace to cover guilt
Grace to forgive shortcomings,
and that would require:

Courage to be disappointed
Courage to make my heart vulnerable
Courage when my eyes squint because of stinging pain
Courage to smile again
Courage to trust in Him
Courage to surrender my heart again.

Courageous Grace is what He calls me.
For such a time as this.

Intimate Encounters

2009-07-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

As I write, it is about 2 a.m. and I'm feeling driven to blog about some of my most intimate encounters with God. Some of these things feel too personal, and I would rather keep them to myself, but I believe that there is a reason I am posting this at this time.

Have you ever felt the love of the Lord? I mean, in such a way, that you cannot contain yourself? Have you cried such a deep cry, yet wore a smile on your face because you were overcome with His love?

A few years ago, when I was questioning my worth as a pastor's wife and wondering if the things I had done mattered, I was driving down the road listening to an instrumental disc. During one particular song, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the presence of God. Literally, I could feel Him sitting next to me in the car and I felt an intense love being lavished upon me. I could not contain myself and I began to cry uncontrollably. I was on my way to a meeting, so I tried hard not to cry. I did not want to show up with puffy eyes, looking like a freak. Well, I could not stop it. I felt as if He so enveloped me, that everything that ever felt unworthy or rejected was pushed to the top, and spilled out. I began to laugh and cry as His love poured in. I had the biggest smile on my face as I brushed the tears away. I later found out that the instrumental song that had been playing was the song "Yellow" by Coldplay. When I found out what the lyrics were, I was once again overwhelmed by God's great love. "Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you...and all the things you do; I came along and wrote a song for you....for you, I'd bleed myself dry." Those are just a few of the words in the song. God totally used it to speak His heart to me.

In 2007, another intimate moment occurred that I will never forget. This is so personal to me, yet I will share it anyway. It was very early in the morning, just as the light began to come in the room, and I suppose I was beginning to wake up. I noticed that I was laying my right cheek on what I thought was my husband's chest. I reached up with my left hand and touched his shoulder and then moved my hand down his arm to hold his hand. When I reached his hand, I realized it was the hand of Jesus. I said, "Jesus! It's You! It's You!" I began to cry with joy. He held my hand. When I tried to look up at His face, I found that I could not. I could only keep my cheek resting against His chest as He held my hand. Then, He said, "I will reveal Myself to you." That was it. I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks. I took that word, "I will reveal Myself to you," as the word for that year. Sure enough, He did amazing things in revealing His heart to me during that year.

Just a few months ago (early 2009), I laid down to rest in the back of our sanctuary. I thought I'd take a little nap as I talked to God. Suddenly, in a dream/vision, I saw Jesus standing there with His hands held out to me. He said, "Come here." I walked towards Him and He took my hand. "I have something I have been wanting to show you," He said. We began to walk up a winding staircase...yet, these stairs were all suspended in mid-air. They were not connected to each other, but seemed to separately float in place, or something like that. We curved to the right and continued going up through several golden doors. For some reason, as we kept going, the doors would become smaller and smaller. Finally, we came to a little door and Jesus put His foot out towards it and it seemed to vanish. Then, we walked toward a large, golden archway. He smiled and said, "Come look in here." He opened the door and blue light shone everywhere. As I stepped into the room, I saw a gigantic, perhaps about 2 stories tall and probably 20 foot wide blue stone. It sparkled and shined, so amazingly clear and blue. Jesus said, "This is My Hope Diamond." I am sad to say that I got so excited that I ran out to go tell everyone about it. I later realized that I had not even thanked Him, so I returned to the room where He stood waiting, and I hugged Him. "Thank You for showing me this."

Today, our pastor mentioned the Azusa Street Revival in the early 1900's in Los Angeles. He mentioned that people had reported seeing a blue haze or blue light during that time when God's Spirit was being poured out upon people. When he said that, I was reminded of the Hope Diamond that Jesus has. I believe that must be where the blue light was coming from.

Why am I writing these things down, especially on the internet? I cherish these things in my heart and they are burned into my memory. I wrote them down in my journal, but I know how temporal things can be. Things get lost. I decided that if I wrote it on my blog, as well, then it will never be lost. You see, I NEVER want to forget these things. They are so precious to me.

I know I am taking a risk by telling about these intimate encounters, but I figure, perhaps, it will encourage others to seek Him wholeheartedly. Even after what I have experienced, I feel that I am still too far away from Him. I mean, I know He is in me and with me, yet I still feel too far from Him. I want to keep moving closer to Him. I never want to lose sight of the moments I have spent with Jesus. God is so amazing and I know there is more.

Fourth of July

2009-07-04T14:17:00.001-07:00

On a hot, steamy, 101-degree Texas fourth of July, we decided to take a stroll around the Texas State Capitol. The Austin Tea Party, the push to be free from tax oppression, was taking place. As we sat on the grass of the beautiful Capitol lawn, being shaded by a big oak tree, I began to think of the many people throughout the history of our state who have passed by this way. How many came to this very place by horse and buggy, or on their wagons, or even on foot to let their voice be heard? Who prayed fervently on these grounds? Who poured out blood, sweat, and tears without being noticed? What sacrifices seemed to go unseen? I don't know the answer to these questions, but as I thought about it, I could faintly hear the sounds of the past. What have these trees heard? What sounds have been burrowed deep within them? Sounds that reveal history....they are the sounds of freedom's ring. As much as our country may be lacking, we still hold so much treasure. May we never lose sight of it...and may we be good stewards of it. Because of those echoing cries and declarations, greater things are yet to come.

An Evening With....

2009-06-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Lt. Governor David Dewhurst and President of THSC, Tim Lambert, for all of their hard work. Texas is blessed.

To My P.W. Buddies

2009-05-10T15:15:00.001-07:00

It has been way too long since I have blogged! It seems that life is full and I am currently working on two book projects as well as taking time to reorganize my homeschooling. Soon, we will be living out of suitcases temporarily while our home is being built, so everything is wild!

I wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who has sent me encouraging emails and letters regarding my book, Walking With A Shepherd. I have to tell you that I wrote it during a very raw, painful time in my life and now there is so much more I could add to it. I am grateful that the book has ministered to people, but I know there is much more life that I could share in that project now, since the Lord has brought me to a place of freedom. He is faithful to heal every wound. There were so many details that I could not share because of the sensitive nature. Some things, I can only share with leadership. Other things will remain hidden. I am thankful that the Lord had me write during that really low point because there are many pastors' wives that have found themselves in that place, therefore, they can identify with the book.

If you are currently in that painful place, please believe me when I tell you that God IS faithful and He is about to do something spectacular in your life. If you can remain open to Him and do not let bitterness take root in your heart, you will be amazed by the treasure that lies ahead. Keep going. Keep believing. Keep hoping. You will not be disappointed.

Totally Set Up!

2009-04-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

God always amazes me by the way He so cleverly sets us up. This morning, I awoke with a strong urge to make a visit to the Cracker Barrel. Visions of beautiful, old-fashioned gifts and the anticipation of their tasteful, sweet tea hitting my tongue lured me strongly. My husband "just happened" to have the day off, so he agreed that a trip to the ole Barrel was in order. I sat down, guzzled down some sweet tea and then ordered a plate to share with my daughter. I told my husband I wanted to browse through the gift shop and look for birthday gifts. As I approached the clearance section, I heard a woman on her telephone saying, "I need to go. I can't breathe." When she hung up, I said to her, "I couldn't help but overhear. You're having a hard time breathing? I have been praying for my mom's asthma for years." She then told me her story of suffering with severe asthma all her life. Another woman heard us talking and she approached us saying, "I have bad asthma, too." I thought, "Okay, God. I know what You're saying and this is a perfect set up!" I shared with them the story of my friend, Cricket, who was instantly healed from asthma supernaturally! I asked, "Would you mind if I prayed for you both?" The sweet ladies were very happy to have prayer, so the first woman invited her sister to join us. There we stood, the four of us, praying together and asking God to intervene. I felt strong tingling in my hands and the presence of the Holy Spirit was so sweet. We continued visiting with each other and exchanged information so that we can follow up. What an awesome, refreshing encounter! So, now I am convinced that God enjoys going to the Cracker Barrel, too. He has really good taste.

Tired of Dreaming, Only to Fail?

2009-03-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of trying to fulfill your dreams, only to fail over and over again? Has God given you a desire that you know is from Him, but nothing seems to be working out? Are people around you telling you how foolish you are to keep trying...and 'why don't you do something different?' If so, then please take the time to read this email from Tyler Perry. You will be glad you did.

Hi there,

I've been reading the message board and you've made it perfectly clear that you wanted me to share with you, so here's a long one...(smile). Now you know we need to keep our jobs so if this is too long, then read it when you get time and send it to some friends. Okay, here goes.

Every time I have a movie come out I do a press conference, and with MADEA GOES TO JAIL it was no different. I'm always asked a lot of questions. They're usually the same questions, but this time I was asked something a little different. I was asked how did I get to be homeless. I told the story but this part got left out of the article. When I talk about God people don't like to print that for some reason. Anyway, I ended up homeless following what I believe to be the voice of God. I know that may sound crazy, but hear me out. Here's what happened.

I wrote my first play at 22. After I wrote it I prayed and asked God to bless it and lead me in the right direction. No sooner than I said that, I was in Atlanta visiting for Freaknick...(LOL). On this visit I realized that there was a small theater called the 14th Street Playhouse that I could afford to rent and perform my play in. So feeling led, I moved to Atlanta, got a job and went to work on saving money to do my show. I just knew this would work. Anyway, there were 200 seats. I thought I would do 6 shows and 1,200 people would come and I would be set. There was one problem. I needed time off from my job to do it. I asked my boss and he said no. I went to my desk and prayed. I said, "God, if this is for me to do then lead me." I clearly heard the voice say, "Quit, it will be all right." So I did. I did the play and instead of 1,200 people showing up only 30 came over the entire weekend. I said, "Okay God, where are You?" I couldn't hear a word. Now mind you, I could always hear from God. You remember my parakeet story?

Anyway, of course I was broken-hearted, but I picked myself up and went and got another job. I got a phone call a few months later. Someone who had seen the show wanted to invest in another show. So I was faced with the same decision again. I had just gotten a job and they wouldn't give me the time off, so I had to quit to go and do the play. Same thing. I went to my desk and prayed and heard that same voice saying quit. So I did.

Now from 1992 until 1997 this happened over and over again. I was only doing one show a year, and every time the show failed. So, I would go get another job. But there was always someone new who wanted to invest. I got another opportunity to do a show, but I knew I would have to quit my "GOOD JOB" as my mother would say. I was making $350 a week. Anyway, I went to the boss and asked for time off so I could do the play. He said no. So I went back to my desk and prayed. I said, "God, what should I do?" I clearly heard the voice say quit. So I did.

I went out and did that show. I think it was in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Anyway, I rehearsed, loaded the U-Haul truck and drove down there. There was a little rain as I was going there. When I got there I found out that a hurricane was coming through. Nobody showed up. I was devastated! As I was driving the truck home through the rain, I was going as fast as I could. I was so hurt and angry. I prayed and prayed and said, "God, You told me to do this. Where are You?" I didn't hear a word. It's scary when you can't hear from God. Anyway, I got home and there was the eviction notice. I went out looking for a job and found one, but by the time I got my first check it was too late. I came home from work to find all of my things out in front of the apartment building. I didn't care about the stuff. Let me take that back. My stereo, that I had bought from one of those rent-to-own companies (where you pay five times more than it's worth), was ruined. I was mad about that...(LOL). Anyway, the thing that hurt me the most was that I had so many scripts and songs and things that were ruined from the rain. I sat there getting what I could together. I put them in my car (that was up for repossession) and drove around all night. Finally, I slept in the car. When I got my next check I started staying at this pay-by-the-week hotel. There were drug addicts, prostitutes, and any criminal element you could imagine there. During this time, I was still praying and I still hadn't heard from God.

I called home for a family member to send me some money and I was told that I should give up this dream and that I was never going to make it. I was told to stop doing this play bull$#@t. I think that was one of my lowest days. I cried like a baby because this was someone that I truly loved.

I was working at UPS. Now I was up to about $400 a week, but I couldn't seem to get ahead enough to get my first and last month's rent. This kind woman (who I have been looking for for years) named VIRGINIA HARDIMAN, in Atlanta, loaned me the money. She told me to hold on and that God would see me through. I didn't want to hear that. I felt like He was the reason I was in that situation.

Anyway, I got an apartment. The one I showed you the picture of. And was so happy to have a roof over my head. My thought was, "God, even though I can't hear from You, thank You! Thank You for this place!" I was grateful. Before I knew it 2 years had passed by and I was getting comfortable in my place. It had become safe. I stopped dreaming. I was taking the advice of the family member. I had settled in and didn't want to dream anymore. It hurt too much. I was 28 at the time (you have to be careful when you get comfortable in a place that's not your home).

Anyway, life was okay, but I was so unhappy. By then I had moved on to another "good job" and I walked into that place everyday miserable. I knew there was something more for me. I had gotten so depressed. All I would do was work, come home, eat and sleep. Thank God I have never done any drugs because I know I would have been strung out. You also have to be careful when you're not happy or you will find yourself in some situations that you never thought you could be in. And I did. I started drinking pretty heavily back then. Saturday night I would drink, but Sunday morning I was at church still trying to hear from God. I had given up. Some kind of way the rent got behind again. When I think about it, the rent was $425 and I was only making about $1,200 a month. I had a car and gas and food to buy, so I guess it was easy to get behind.

Around this time I got a call from someone else who wanted to invest, and she said we had an opportunity to do the show at the House of Blues in Atlanta. I said no. I SAID NO! Oh God when I think about this I get a chill. They had to beg me to do the show! It hurt too much to have that dream be revived in me and not make it. I just couldn't do it. I said no. With a lot of coaxing I finally gave in. Can you imagine if I wouldn't have?

Anyway, the night of the play I remember sitting in the dressing room getting ready for the show. I was playing old man 'Joe' at the time. I sat there complaining and talking to God saying, "You always get me out here and You leave me, and I'm 28. This is it! I'm not doing this anymore!" Can you imagine me talking to God like that? That's crazy! But I was so mad at Him then. So, I was saying what I wanted to say and in the middle of my rant I heard Him. IIIII HHEEAARRD HIIIMMM!!!!! Somebody knows what I'm talking about! He said to me, "I AM GOD. YOU DON'T TELL ME WHEN IT'S OVER. I TELL YOU WHEN IT'S OVER, AND THIS IS THE BEGINNING." I sat there crying like a baby. Then He said, "Get up and look out of the window." I got up and looked out and there was a line around the corner trying to get into the place! I still get a chill when I think about it. If I had given up on dreaming... If I had not tried one more time... I wouldn't be here in this place. I wouldn't have seen all that I'm seeing now. For that matter you wouldn't be reading this email.

So, sometimes following God will lead you into places that you don't want to go. It's uncomfortable. It's scary. It hurts. But if you can just hold on you will see there is another side to it. What you're going through is not in vain. Hold on! Keep the faith! And learn to be thankful for whatever situation you may be in. It's not over until God says it's over. And this is just your beginning. TRY AGAIN!!

There is so much more to this story, but I know you have other things to do. I'm writing all of this in my book so you'll be able to get the full story one day. I just wanted to share a little bit with you. Please share it with someone, okay?

Be strong and stay well. AND TRY AGAIN, AND THEN AGAIN, AND THEN AGAIN!

Tyler P.

Busy....with Miracles and Such

2009-03-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

I have been too busy to sit down and blog. I miss writing down so many great thoughts and testimonies. I do not have time right now to post here at this moment, so please see my other blog to read about the latest miracles we have experienced. http://www.journalofmiracles.blogspot.com

Closing the Gap (Between Generations)

2009-02-11T20:12:00.001-08:00

PHOTO 1: George William Robbins was my great-great grandfather; a circuit preacher in rural Central Texas in the early 1900's
PHOTO 2: Henry reading the Scriptures to his granddaughter
With each year that passes, I become more aware of the sacrifices that the generations before me have made. As I watch my children using the computer, sending text messages to their friends, and as I prepare dinner with the foods that I nonchalantly purchased from the grocery store, it suddenly hits me. I think to myself, “Who are the people that made it possible for us to go about our lives, living in freedom and having all that we need? Who are the people that have already left this earth, who paid a price without ever hearing a ‘thank you?’” As I ponder these thoughts, I hope and pray that I can teach my children to give thought to those who gave their time, resources, and even their lives so that we can live freely. I pray that my children will honor not only those who have gone before them, but those who are and will be placed around them in the years to come.

We are in a day when the older and younger generations must be brought together. I want to say to the older generation that you ARE important and this world DOES need you. There IS a purpose for you being here. Your prayers are vital and you DO make a difference in this world even if you feel that you are not serving a purpose. You ARE needed by the younger generation. You may feel that you have been left behind or even forgotten, but you have not. The Lord hears your prayers and He is with you. Your love, your prayers and your words still have the power to make an impact on the generation that is behind you. I want to encourage you to stay connected with the younger generation as much as possible, so that the gap between generations can be closed.

You see, there is revival upon the earth and the Lord is doing great things, even in the midst of the current turmoil. God is touching all generations, young and old alike. Consider Acts 2:17: “It shall be in the last days, God says, that I will pour forth of My Spirit on all mankind; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your YOUNG men shall see visions and your OLD men shall dream dreams.” As Kris Vallotton brilliantly puts it in the book, The Supernatural Ways of Royalty, “Take note that revival does not have a gender, a generation, or social class…the devil knew that he couldn’t stop worldwide revival by resisting it, so he has tried to curse the planet by separating the generations.” It is vital that the generations come together because that is how the Lord wants to work on the earth; through ONE generation. That ONE generation is the young and old joined together. This can be accomplished through honor.

If the older generation will honor the younger generation and the younger generation honor the older generation, I believe we will begin to experience some marvelous breakthroughs and see more miracles upon this earth. We will be more effective in advancing the Kingdom of God. Honor does not mean that we have to agree with one another, but that we value each other because we are all made in the image of God. Honor means that we recognize the gifts that each person has to offer. Closing the gap between the generations will empower the younger generation to carry the “torch” and finish the race and it will empower the older generation to finish well, making a powerful impact on those coming behind them.

I recently learned more about my great-great grandfather, George William Robbins, who served as a circuit preacher throughout rural Central Texas in the early 1900’s. I have had the opportunity to go through old photographs of him and read letters that were written to him, thanking him for his sacrifices. He lost three of his own children and suffered many hard days, yet he carried on, doing the work of God, with the encouragement from his wife who stayed behind to keep the farm going. I look at his photograph and ponder the day that I will get to meet him and he will tell me about the miracles he saw, the faithful ways that God brought his family through hard times, and how his prayers affected the generations that came after him. I cannot help but believe that the life I live now, is partly due to the prayers that he prayed for his children and their childrens’ children. God was faithful to answer his prayers. God is faithful to answer your prayers and He will bridge the generations into one. His Kingdom is an ever-advancing one and He will not stop. May the Lord bless you and keep you as you take steps to show honor to one another, bridging the gap between the generations.

LIFE---Imagine The Potential

2009-01-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about how grateful I am that I was born. You see, my mother was only 15 years old when I was conceived. My dad was brave enough to stick around, marry my mom and take care of me and my siblings. The odds were against them, yet because God is a God of hope, he sustained them and He has given me a wonderful life. Now I can live a life that brings hope and change to other lives.
In the picture above, the moment that was captured is a powerful one. Before I ever became pregnant, I prayed and asked the Lord for a son and a daughter that would be used for God's glory, to bring change, hope, and deliverance to many. So, here I was, in a moment of travail, feeling like giving up, but pressing on. What choice did I have? Now, here we are, in a day of travail when many feel like giving up, but we must press on because greater things are yet to come. It is my prayer that every person would begin to see the value of every life and what it holds. Who are we to judge the outcome of that life based on the seemingly impossible odds? Many kings, queens, doctors, peacemakers, presidents, and other life-changers have been born in the midst of turmoil and many of them beat the odds. Let's have hope...and keep pressing on.

Anointing Prayer Over Inaugural Entryway

2009-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

A Word From Tyler Perry

2009-01-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

An encouraging word from Tyler Perry:
"I don't think I told you about this. When I was on the stand for that
trial last month my lawyer, Veronica Lewis of Dallas, asked me a question
that I had never thought about. She asked me, "Where do my Christian
messages come from in my work?" I sat on the stand and I thought about
that and it hit me. I have spoken many times about the kind of man that my
father was, and don't get me wrong I don't want to beat a dead horse, but
I can't tell you how I got to my answer without explaining this to you.

When I was very young, about 5 or 6 years old, Monday through Thursday was
pretty uneventful in my house most of the time. But on Friday and Saturday
he would go out and get drunk and come home and all hell would break
loose. And as a little boy I would feel so helpless watching this man beat
my mother. I would sit in the corner covering my ears wanting the madness
to stop. Most times, after it was over, I would lay next to her trying to
comfort her as we would both cry ourselves to sleep.... that's still hard
to think about. Anyway, early Sunday morning she would wake me up and take
me to church. Most of the time it would just be the two of us. We'd get
there and my uncle, Rev. D. J. Campbell, would be up preaching. I would
look over the pews and see my mother smiling. Then she would sing in the
choir and she would be happy. When she smiled I smiled wider, when she
laughed I laughed harder, when she sang I sang louder. So, when my lawyer
asked me that question all I could say was, "I wanted to know the God that
made my mother smile.” I wanted to know this Jesus that my uncle preached
about. I get a chill even thinking about it now.

My uncle would preach and say things like, "Pray, and if you have faith
and believe, God will do it for you. Just believe." Now, while most of the
kids my age were playing or asleep, I was listening. You would be
surprised what a 6-year-old will listen to. Even though I was very young,
I heard that. Not only did I hear it, I wanted to see for myself. So, I
put this "pray, believe, and have faith" thing to the test. Now at that
age, I had a vivid imagination and I thought that the people on the TV
were little people trapped inside the TV, and that if I could get inside
of it, I could take them out and have my own little family that would talk
to me and that I could love and take care of. I wouldn't dare go behind
that old floor model color Zenith and unscrew something--I would have been
murdered for sure...LOL. But, I remembered my uncle's words and I prayed
and asked God to send me some little people to take care of. Now this
sounds like an impossible prayer for God to answer, but one day while I
was at school, a lady who lived across the street was moving away and she
had asked my mother if she could leave something for me. My mother said
yes and when I got home there it was, a three-story bamboo house with two
living creatures that spoke to me! They said, "Hello!" There were two
parakeets. I thought God had answered my prayer. Listen to me when I tell
you, something got born in me that day. I had prayed, believed, and had
faith and it had come to pass.

>From that day to this one it is that process that I have used to see all
my dreams come true. Pray, believe, and have faith. It started with
something as simple and small as two parakeets for me. If you start
believing for little things, it will allow you to grow into believing for
all things. That's the way to see all your dreams come true.

If you've been trying the same thing over and over and aren't getting any
results then how about in 2009 trying something else? It doesn't matter if
a million people tell you what you can't do, or if ten million tell you
no. If you get one yes from God that's all you need.

This year PRAY, BELEIVE, and have FAITH for your one YES!

God bless you today."

Tyler P.

Home-schooling for the Obamas

2009-01-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

Here is an excellent letter that appeared in the Washington Times regarding the choice of schooling for Obama's daughters:
Dear President and Mrs. Obama,

Welcome to Washington! I thought I would weigh in on your schooling choice, as columnists seem to be advising you on every other part of your job.

Since your two beautiful daughters will need to be educated, I would like to suggest that you choose the best school in the nation, which happens to be located less than a stone's throw from your door. In fact, it's inside your door. Naturally, I'm referring to home-schooling.

Home-schooling will relieve the need for Secret Service agents and drivers to accompany your daughters to school each day, saving taxpayer funds. It will allow maximum security, because they will be with their parents, and there's no better security than that.

Home-schooling produces better academic results than public or private schools. According to a study just published by the Home School Legal Defense Association, when students from a sampling of Ivy League colleges took the American Civic Literacy Test, (on factual knowledge of American history and the Constitution) college seniors from Harvard, Yale and Princeton universities scored 69.50 percent, 65.85 percent and 61.90 percent, respectively.

These Ivy League seniors were bested by freshmen at Patrick Henry College, who earned a 71.6 percent. The Patrick Henry freshmen - most of whom were home-schooled - not only beat out Harvard seniors, they also scored 17 points higher than the mean score of seniors at the 50 best colleges in the country.

In the Measure of Academic Proficiency and Progress, which tests critical thinking, reading, writing and math skills, again the home-schooled freshmen outperformed college seniors at all of the 253 participating universities and officer training academies.

Home-schooling will do more for your daughters than give them great academic instruction. It will keep your family sane and give you all a sense of stability and togetherness through a trying time in your lives. Even at the best of times, the presidency can take a terrible toll on the individual and the family.

If you can have your daughters with you at various times during the day, it will help keep things focused on the right priorities. Instead of having to endure the separation and loneliness that happens when a parent has a high-stress job, they would be able to learn from the opportunities of the White House, meeting some of the most knowledgeable people in the world, including heads of countries, and learning languages, geography and history from the source. They can travel with you, and visit the places abroad that they would only read about in a schoolroom, and learn about their own country and the greatness of its people through seeing it with their own eyes.

Far from keeping them isolated, home-schooling will allow them great flexibility. For instance, they may want to visit all of the District's public schools and share with their same-age peers what life is like in the White House. They can report back to you on the state of the public school system, and what help is needed.

Mrs. Obama, you would be able to take them to see the historic sites of New York, Boston, Philadelphia and Virginia, visiting the United Nations, ground zero, Bunker Hill and Williamsburg. They could sit in on congressional sessions, spend days in the Smithsonian and visit Arlington National Cemetery to honor those who paid for our freedom.

Instead of being gawked at and lionized or gossiped over by star-struck classmates, they will be able to socialize with their parents, and the natural acquaintances of their lives. They can enjoy their childhood and grow into their adulthood naturally despite the glare of the limelight, because within the family, the coping mechanisms and sensible guidance of the parents can prevail.

Wouldn't it be great to come out of the four or eight years of living in the White House with a stronger family, better relationship with your kids, and having them more knowledgeable than Ivy League seniors as entering college freshmen?

I can tell you that the other decisions you make as president certainly will affect our nation and history, but the decision to home-school would be the best one you could make to affect your daughters' future.

• Kate Tsubata, a home-schooling mother of three, is a freelance writer who lives in Maryland.

Cool Texans

2008-12-28T20:09:00.000-08:00

I just had to post this picture of my uncle and cousin because it is too cool! They are honoring former Texas Rangers.
http://www.texasranger.org/halloffame/HOF.htm

God's Goodness Shines Through

2008-12-21T23:06:00.000-08:00

Today, I am marveling at God's goodness, even in the midst of bad situations. My father-in-law had several strokes this year and spent over a month trying to get from a wheelchair to a walker. After much progress, he suffered another stroke almost three weeks ago that put him back at the beginning. For a moment, everything seemed so dark and we were all a bit overwhelmed at the thought of him having to start at square one with recovery. As we were praying for him in the hospital, I suddenly felt a "bolt" of joy hit me and I knew in my heart that his recovery would be much quicker this time. Sure enough, within a week, he went from barely being able to stand up to using a walker again! He is almost back to where he was before this stroke, physically. Now we are waiting to see his memory and speech ability progress.

Another situation is with a dear friend who is battling stage four cancer. Bad reports come, but we pray, and then something good comes about. In fact, some of the seemingly gloomy reports end up not being so bad. He is still fighting for his life, and yes, it is hard, but we can see God's hand in the midst of it. We continue to pray for his healing.

My parents are in a situation right now that looks overwhelming. A health crisis and a home crisis has forced them to move out of their home, temporarily, into a hotel. Things look bad, but I can already see the Lord answering prayers that have been prayed for a long time, and I believe that everything that looks so wrong right now will become an incredible blessing to them.

One situation that I am always reminded of is when my dear friends lost their 5-year-old daughter in a tragic car accident on the way to church camp two years ago. I love to watch my friends as they assault darkness, defeat the enemy continually, and step out in faith, believing that God can do all things. They even see people healed at their own hands. I do not believe that God caused the tragedy that took their daughter, but He certainly reached down and did incredible things in the midst of their grief. I love to watch the way they love God!

I am thankful to God for increasing my faith. It is not perfect, but it is growing. I am thankful for every glimpse of hope, every glimpse of Heaven, every glimpse of freedom and every taste of Him that I get here on earth. There is so much more to come. Taste and see that He truly is good.

A Comparison

2008-12-01T23:58:00.001-08:00

Which do you like better? The Quran or the Holy Bible? I just came across this verse in the Quran while doing some research.
Sura [4:34] "The men are made responsible for the women, ** and GOD has endowed them with certain qualities, and made them the bread earners. The righteous women will cheerfully accept this arrangement, since it is GOD's commandment, and honor their husbands during their absence. If you experience rebellion from the women, you shall first talk to them, then (you may use negative incentives like) deserting them in bed, then you may (as a last alternative) beat them. If they obey you, you are not permitted to transgress against them. GOD is Most High, Supreme."
NOTE: the words in parentheses were added to make it sound a little nicer, although it's not working for me.
*I have found NO place in the Bible where beating your wife is condoned.*

Our Anniversary At Lake Austin Spa Resort

2008-12-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

My husband and I just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and we were treated to an evening at the Lake Austin Spa Resort. I was pleasantly surprised as my experience there surpassed my experience a few years ago at Burke-Williams in Santa Monica. This time was even more wonderful because I got to be with my childhood sweetheart! He is a prince.

On another note, I guess getting a massage is a very spiritual experience for me. Let me explain: as my muscles are being deeply massaged, I cannot help but think about how God formed Adam out of the dust of the earth, how He shaped and molded him, and then breathed His life into him. As I enjoy the wonderful feeling, I begin praising God for His goodness and love for His creation; O, how He loves us. What a blessing to have a moment to bask in His presence. I take the opportunity to pray for the person who is massaging me, asking God to bless them and reveal Himself to them. I think of our soldiers and people who are in captivity, and I begin praying for them, asking God to touch them and release them into victory. Thought after thought comes to me and I find that I have spent the entire 50 minutes in prayer. I have come to the conclusion that: massage is a great intercessory tool! Okay, before you hate me and think I have gone off the deep end, go give it a try for yourself.

Pondering At Burning Ones

2008-11-16T18:08:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday evening and I am exhausted, yet in a place of rest, after spending a wonderful, powerful weekend at the Burning Ones youth conference. The worship times were intense, loud, quiet, sincere, beautiful and very real. The teachings by Banning Liebscher were filled with the spirit of God, like a flowing river of life that drew hearts closer to their Maker. I marveled as I stood next to one of my dear cousins. I could not help but think of the stories I had heard about our great, great grandfather, who was a circuit preacher in Central Texas in the early 1900's. I imagined him riding on his horse to the next town, leaving his family behind, once again, to preach the Gospel. Surely he prayed prayers of hope for his future children and grandchildren. And here I stood, in 2008, next to my cousin, our hands raised, our hearts full of passion for the King.

As I experienced encounters with God and watched others who were obviously encountering Him, as well, I could not express my gratitude to the Father enough. I thought back to my wedding day and, as weird as it may sound to some, my wedding night; how my new husband and I arrived at our hotel, sat on the bed, hand-in-hand and invited the Holy Spirit to come and be the center of our marriage. And, believe me, God has blessed EVERY aspect of our relationship. I thought about how amazing it is that God intricately designed every little detail in my life up to this very moment. As I sang to God, I smiled as I realized that the invitation we made to the Holy Spirit that night had been the most important invitation we will ever make.

On Friday, as we arrived at the church for the first night of the youth conference, a strong wind came, blowing leaves everywhere. Before we stepped out of the car, the meteorologist on the radio declared, "This is a red-flag warning. For the next 24 hours, we are at high risk for wildfires. With the dry conditions and the high winds, please be aware of the fire danger." It dawned on me that we were attending a conference called "Burning Ones" and sure enough, the Holy Spirit came like a mighty wind. My thoughts were drawn to Acts 2, where it describes "And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance." Wow! God was really telling us something with the wind and fire.

On the second day of the conference, my husband did a teaching on treasure hunting; where you pray and ask God for "clues" about who/what He would have you pray for. Then you go out and do it. After the teaching, hundreds of people were released to various locations as their assignment. We decided to go to the mall and observe what was happening. We watched as a group prayed for a blind man. The man was so touched even though he did not receive his sight at that moment. By the end of the day, there were two reports of broken bones immediately mended, an injured knee completely healed, a woman's back healed, and numerous people who received prayer and were touched by God. Some of those who went "treasure hunting" may have felt that they failed, but we know that as long as you step out in compassion to offer a piece of Heaven, it is a success.

In the months to come, there will be many critical changes that take place in our country and I am glad to know that there are people who are submitted to God and ready to do what He says. They are an army, ready to be deployed, filled with power from above. They are the burning ones.

President Barak Hussein Obama....

2008-11-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

A name I never thought I would hear for an American president. I must say that I feel a sense of joy and victory for African-Americans, yet my prayer is that Obama has multiple encounters with the God of the universe that will cause him to make decisions that please God; that the lives of the unborn would be protected, that the sanctity of marriage be upheld, and that we continue in our religious freedoms. After it was announced that Obama won the presidency, the headlines read, "All Things Are Possible." I agree. All things are possible with God. It is possible for the hearts of kings and presidents to be turned. What an historic day. Let us all pray for the protection of this new president. Even if we disagree with his ideas, we have a responsibility to pray for him so that he can serve as God would have him to serve.

Sucker for the Barrel

2008-11-01T12:22:00.001-07:00

I am very well aware of the schemes of businesses and their sly ways of marketing, but I've got to tell you, I am a sucker for the Cracker Barrel! I cannot seem to stay away from this old, country-house restaurant with its fine home-cooking and its attractive gift shop. A front porch filled with rocking chairs is one of my dreams...and where else can you find consistently good sweet tea...and should I mention the Coca-Cola Fudge Cake?

Don't worry about expense. The Cracker Barrel owners allow adults to order from the children's menu! I find that the two-vegetable child's plate with sweet tea hits the spot for me. As long as I have a bit of fried okra, sweet baby carrots and a fluffy, delicious biscuit, I am good to go.

Oh, and the gift shop, which is especially lovely at Christmas time, contains some great bargains (I always shop clearance). The sound of Christmas carols, tinkling bells and the smells of pumpkin spice will draw you in. At least that's what it has done to me. MMMM....I think I had better be heading there now.

Grateful For Beauty

2008-10-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

With the Ragweed season upon us, my stuffy-nosed, puffy-eyed husband was really missing the beaches of Maui, so I decided to pick him up for lunch and take him to the prettiest part of our city. Thank God we only live 10 minutes from such a beautiful scene! Even though we traded mina birds for buzzards, hibiscus for cactus, and humpback whales for giant catfish, we are so grateful to have a different kind of beauty around us. Every place we have ever been seems to have its own, unique beauty about it. God is marvelous.

Safe Sex

2008-10-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine in Russia posted this on her blog, and apparently it was controversial, so I thought I'd try posting it here....because I thought it was beautiful and brilliant.

...what to wear when planning to have safe sex

Our Crashing Economy

2008-09-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

Just a quick thought tonight: it's interesting to me that our economy took its biggest hit right at the start of Rosh Hashanah ("head of the year"), the Jewish New Year. I believe that in the midst of this crisis, the Lord is wanting to do something awesome. Here's a bit of info from Wikipedia about Rosh Hashanah:
The Mishnah, the core text of Judaism's oral Torah, contains the first known reference to Rosh Hashana as the "day of judgment." In the Talmud tractate on Rosh Hashanah it states that three books of account are opened on Rosh Hashanah , wherein the fate of the wicked, the righteous, and those of an intermediate class are recorded. The names of the righteous are immediately inscribed in the book of life, and they are sealed "to live." The middle class are allowed a respite of ten days, until Yom Kippur, to repent and become righteous; the wicked are "blotted out of the book of the living."[3]
Rosh Hashanah is observed as a day of rest (Leviticus 23:24) and the activities prohibited on Shabbat are also prohibited on Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah is characterized by the blowing of the shofar,[4] a trumpet made from a ram's horn, intended to awaken the listener from his or her "slumber" and alert them to the coming judgment.[5] There are a number of additions to the regular Jewish service, most notably an extended repetition of the Amidah prayer for both Shacharit and Mussaf. The traditional Hebrew greeting on Rosh Hashanah is "shana tova", (pronounced [ʃaˈna toˈva]) for "a good year," or "shana tova umetukah" for "a good and sweet year." Because Jews are being judged by God for the coming year, a longer greeting translates as "may you be written and sealed for a good year" (ketiva ve-chatima tovah). During the afternoon of the first day the practice of tashlikh is observed, in which prayers are recited near natural flowing water, and one's sins are symbolically cast into the water. Many also have the custom to throw bread or pebbles into the water, to symbolize the "casting off" of sins.

The Best Is Yet To Come

2008-09-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

I took this picture in Maui last year. This old, lava church sits on a beautiful peninsula that seems strangely empty. There are not many people in the area, and the church seems cold and dead. As I looked at it, I wondered what awesome things may have taken place there. What prayers were prayed? What hopes and dreams lie there? Surely there was a hope and a cry that still pulses in the heart of that place. These questions made me think about the condition of churches in general. The best is yet to come.

How can I say that the best is yet to come? According to God's Word, there is still more work to be done; even greater work than we can imagine. Consider these paragraphs from Face to Face With God by Pastor Bill Johnson:
"The ultimate fulfillment of Joel's prophecy (Joel 2) will take place as the church enters her finest hour of impact in the world. Tragedy comes when the church skims over the great exploits in history and assumes that our finest hour is in the past. This misreading of history derives from a misunderstanding of God's nature. He always saves the best for last--so much so that Jesus even saved the best wine for the end of the wedding celebration. And when He restores things that are destroyed or broken, He restores them to a place greater than before. For example, Job lost everything in the devil's assault on his life. But when God restored him, he was given twice what he lost. It is God's way. To expect anything less of Him for the last days is at best pure ignorance or at worst unbelief."

After Jesus performed amazing miracles, He said, "These signs will follow those who believe" ....and "greater works than these will YOU do, because I go to My Father" (Mark 16:17; John 14:12). So, let's wake up because the best is yet to come!

Bank Cameras

2008-09-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

When you pull money from an ATM machine, do you ever wonder what the camera sees? I mean, are there actually people watching? Will anyone ever see it? I wanted to know what they see when I drive up, so I did a little experiment.

Aren't I beautiful?

Flowers in My Yard

2008-09-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

After living in Maui for a year, I am so grateful that I have something beautiful to look at in my yard.

Who I Am

2008-09-04T17:35:00.001-07:00

(Enjoying a day on the beach in Maui with my husband and father-in-law)

These days, I seem to have a hard time figuring myself out. You see, there is a part of me that longs to live downtown in the middle of the hustle and bustle of life. I would love to wake up in the morning and open the shutters (this is how I imagine it) to peer out over the people walking along the sidewalks, passing by the 100-year-old theater with its ornate architecture. Then there is this other side of me that would love to wake up, open the shutters (I just love shutters) to peer out across the field of cotton that lines a peaceful, flowing river. I would make my way onto my wrap-around front porch where I would sit on my swing and drink a glass of sweet tea.

There is part of me that would be happy to work a high-profile job, representing people of influence and making world-changing decisions. Then, there is this part of me that is content to remain behind-the-scenes, making a difference in the lives of others even if I do not receive praise.

Part of me desires the "finer things in life," like high-quality clothing, brand-name apparel, the softest sheets in the world, a maid, a butler, trips to the spa for massages and pedicures, and eating at the finest restaurants as often as I please. I have often dreamed of a castle-sized dining room where I could entertain and feed many people. Then, this other part of me would be content to live an almost Amish lifestyle. I would not have to put on make-up! My clothing would be simple and the days would be filled with the pleasure of homemaking and growing a garden.

As you can see, I am quite a complex individual. I have found that the best thing to do is to lay all of these desires before my Maker, since He knows me better than I know myself. I am asking Him for the very best and I have a feeling that it is going to blow my mind. Despite all of these desires, I am so content with who I am and where I am right now. I may not have it all, but I certainly am rich. I love my children and I have a husband that might as well be royalty...well, he is, but that is another story.

Pray For Joel

2008-08-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of my P.W. buddies for praying for our friend, Joel. Here is a photo of him so that you can picture him as you intercede.

Giving It Away

2008-08-23T11:08:00.001-07:00

"Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have, give I thee."
I am enjoying the awesomeness of God as I watch my son praying for the eyesight of others.

My Son's Eyes Are Healed!!!!

2008-08-16T14:53:00.001-07:00

I am so thankful, so amazed, and really having a hard time finding the right words to express how I feel! My son just returned from youth camp and he came back without his glasses. He had terrible eyesight, previously, and the eye doctor had told me it would only get worse. Well, God thought differently.

During a service at the youth camp, the speaker was telling about someone in his church that received healing for their eyesight. While he was saying this, someone sitting next to my son decided to lay hands on my son's eyes and pray for him. My son said that a couple of minutes later, he noticed that his eyes were "focusing." He took off his glasses and he could see everything perfectly. He is normally a shy type who does not like to draw attention to himself, but he decided this was worth sharing, so he stood up in the middle of the service and got the speaker's attention to tell him that his eyes were healed! They called him up front and thanked God for the miracle.

Today, my husband and I tested his eyesight by having him read things and describe things that are far away. Before, he could not even tell who was in the same room with him without his glasses and words would appear as a big, dark spot. Today, however, he described and read everything perfectly WITHOUT his glasses!!! In fact, he could read things that my husband could not even read, and my son's eyesight had been WORSE than my husband's eyesight. We are absolutely amazed by God and rejoicing over what has happened! Needless to say, my son has been asked by a lot of people to pray for their eyesight and he is having a blast sharing what God has done. Thank You, Lord! (As I type this, he is watching the T.V. from across the room, and he is NOT squinting to see!)

Moving Grandpa

2008-08-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

It was wonderful visiting with Shannon and Michelle, who came all the way from Maui! Henry was so happy to see them.
We celebrated Henry's birthday in July. This was the first summer that he was not on the road, preaching barn revivals, in years.
Henry was so happy to see his sisters!
Where else can you go to learn how to crack a bull whip??
Oh, yes...a Mayberry style town, complete with "Floyd's" barbershop. I felt like I was on a movie set!
We spent this last week moving my father-in-law back up to Minnesota, where he can spend time with family and friends. After having a difficult few months, following a couple of strokes, he is now enjoying his big front porch in a town of 300 people just a few miles away from the farm where he was born. I was so impressed with the people there. The day we arrived, people began stopping by for visits, dropping off fresh vegetables from their farms and meat that came straight from the meat locker. It seemed that the familiar sights, smells, and faces made him come to life. We are so thankful for faithful friends who have come together to support Henry and Ronda.

Our Maui Home

2008-07-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

I was just going through some pictures from Maui and found one of the view we had from our home in Maui. Ahhhh.

Too Poor To Keep Up With Gore

2008-07-10T20:38:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marked one of the most embarrassing moments for me and my husband. You see, as conservative Christians, we may differ from Al Gore, but there is one issue that we partially agree with him on. That is taking care of the earth. We do not necessarily believe all of the reports that Al has given, but we do believe that, as people of God, we are to care for the earth. God made us stewards of the earth. Psalm 115:16 says, "The heaven, even the heavens, are the Lord's, but the earth hath He given to the children of men." What will we do with what God has given us?
Okay. So what about the embarrassing moment? I am getting to that. When we moved from Maui, we arrived on the mainland with a limited amount of money and no promise of employment. We had $2,500 that we could use to buy a car. Since my father-in-law had been facing some health challenges that have kept him from driving, we needed a vehicle that could hold six people. We test-drove numerous mini-vans, but it seemed that each of them had very high mileage or very scary clinking sounds. After a couple of weeks, desperation set in and we purchased a lovely, white, 1993 Crown Victoria (has six seatbelts) from a, um, interesting car lot in a bad part of town. The car came complete with a Mexican flag on the antenna! It had a new inspection sticker on it and everything looked great. The car rides like a cloud. Speaking of "cloud," after a few weeks, we noticed an occasional puff of smoke coming from the exhaust. That cloud eventually began to grow and our air conditioner seemed to pull the fumes in. Great for your health!
Fast forward a few weeks: my husband and I agreed that the car must go as soon as possible. He recently started a new job, so we purchased a really sleek, newer car that gets great gas mileage. BUT, we kept "Old Smokey" because we needed a second car. After all, it would be foolish to acquire two car payments. Yet, we still kept saying, "This car has got to go!" The problem is that we do not know how we will replace it. "We need a second car....blah, blah, blah." "Our son is starting acting school in two weeks. How will I drive him downtown everyday?"
The breaking point finally arrived. Yesterday, we received a letter in the mail from the Texas Commission for Environmental Protection, stating that someone reported our car for excessive smoking. The worst part is this: my husband wrote an article that has been published and mentioned in a very public forum that encourages people to take care of the environment! His name was even mentioned in a political meeting that was held in an important place. I am too ashamed to explain more, but I will tell you this, for sure. "That car has got to go NOW!"
I am not sure how we will get a second car. I am sure it is no problem for Al Gore. I am thinking about writing him a letter asking for help to "go green." Hmm. No, I think I will talk to the One who put us in charge of this place. After all, it all belongs to Him anyway. And I certainly do not want to embarrass Him. Either way, I am happy to say that we will be getting rid of our global-warming vehicle. Soli Deo Gloria!

Jo Bros

2008-07-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

I SO wanted to see the Jonas Brothers last night. : ( Maybe next time.