God Moves Despite Doubt

(Art by Bill Vanderbush)

For the last few months, I have spent many quiet moments running, walking, dancing and visiting with God at a certain grove of trees near our property. I would often stop in that place, removing my headphones which carried the sounds of worship by Misty Edwards and Kristene Mueller, and I would lean into the atmosphere hoping to capture an audible sound coming from the mouth of God or possibly experiencing a physical brush with an angel's wing. I knew they were there. I could feel them.

Why would I come to this spot? I had been battling something that I never experienced before with God. I felt a tinge of doubt and began to question His ways and His motives. Okay...I will admit that there were moments when it was more than just a 'tinge' of doubt, but the good news is that my spirit would not let me stay in the talons of unbelief for long. It is quite frightening what happens inside of a person when unbelief finds a moment of agreement within. Death comes. The death of hope. "Christ in me...the hope of glory," I would often repeat to myself. "God, I need you to show up. I have seen Your works before and You have taken me to amazing places, but I need You to come to me right now."

I would sit, staring into the grove of trees that was surrounded by thorny bushes, poison ivy, and rocky ground that most likely hid the entrance of a snake's den. I saw beauty in these trees and there was one in particular that I longed to climb. I envisioned a wooden swing hanging from its massive arm that stretched over what looked like a magical place that existed only in my childhood imaginations. I noticed a clearing between two trees and I imagined a cabin there...a refuge for me and my husband...a cozy place where we could dream and write. A place to just...Be. I was urged to walk into the clearing but did not for fear of stepping on a snake or poison ivy. I shrunk back from the hopeful notion of finding something special there and walked back home while revisiting my doubts. "If only I could clear that section of land and enjoy being there."

For more than three months, day after day, the same scenario. Until... Finally one day, as I was dancing and swirling around in circles past this same grove of trees, I noticed that the land had been cleared!! The grove was clear and the large oak with the imaginary swing held its massive branch out, as if inviting me to explore. I slowly stepped towards the tree...inching closer, relaxing as the joy of discovery came over me. "New ground!! New territory! What I hoped to see is now uncovered."

I sensed God's presence strongly and deep inside of me I heard this: "Even in the midst of your struggle with doubt and unbelief, I was working on your behalf. The path has been cleared. You are free to step into the wide, open spaces where the enemy cannot go and you will see your dreams become a reality. All of this, I have done for you even though you did not see it. This is My grace." A smile came across my face. Joy bubbled up inside of me. I ran home, eager to share with my husband.

This is the grace of God...that He gives what we do not deserve and He takes away the punishment that we do deserve. I never believed He would do it, but even in the midst of doubt, He moves.